How Being Mom to a 5yr Old is Like Dealing With A College Spring Breaker

Sometimes you have epiphanies.  They can be life-changing or ridiculous.  Like a major realization about a personality flaw and how it has created strife in your life, orrrrrr how dealing with your 5 yr old daughter is not so different from dealing with a college co-ed on spring break (Sidebar: my daughter is NEVER allowed to go to Cancun on spring break.  Mom, I cannot believe you were ok with it…multiple times).

 

spring break

 

Lots of wardrobe changes:

I have one of those kids who obsesses about what she is going to wear and strategizes it in her cute little head.  Sometimes for days at a time.  She also has wardrobe changes like Beyonce (or my friend Dale) on the regular.  As we walk in the door at the end of the day, we are practically crashing into each other as she rips off her shoes, and me my bra (I know I’m not the only one who has to get out of that thing as soon as I get home).  Praise the baby Jesus for school uniforms next year because the getting dressed for school thing can feel alcohol-inducing sometimes.

Not unlike a gaggle of girls who overpack for spring break with a balance of chill in the hotel room-wear, beachwear, after beachwear, dinnerwear, sleepwear, travelwear and 50 pairs of shoes for 4 days.

Horrible eating habits:

Most kids have their own shtick regarding eating habits. Some like crustless sandwiches.  Some don’t like when the broccoli touches the chicken. Some insist on a specific cup for a specific drink.  Pick your poison, we all deal with it.  My child is the WORLD’S pickiest eater.  When she started regular baby food, she literally ate whatever I gave her and I thought I hit the good-eater jackpot. No such luck.  She eats 4 things consistently – chicken fingers (only one brand), cereal (only Rice Krispies), pizza (delivery, not DiGiorno), String Cheese (only the white kind with no writing on the wrapper).  Rounding out her diet are cheez-its, goldfish, lays potato chips, pirate’s booty and vanilla cupcakes – naked – NO ICING.  Every so often she will dabble in something else but nothing makes it onto the list of staples above.

Not unlike a college spring breaker who feasts on a balanced diet of beer, vodka, tequila, anything in a shot glass or yard glass, with a side of pizza.

Wakes up looking like a hot mess:

Hair everywhere, red eyes, a urine soaked pull-up, cranky, hungry. It’s not even worth the space to make a distinction between the two here.

Spontaneous crying:

Like out of nowhere.  It could  be hunger, crankiness, not feeling well, or just an unexplained emotional collapse.  For a 5 yr old it might be in the middle of Target because you tell her she can only have one of the 47 things she has curated throughout the trip and you let her just to keep her quiet so you could shop.

For the spring breaker it could be in the middle of Señor Frogs when you have the revelation that your boyfriend is probably cheating on you and you have a cryfest with your friends right there on the middle of the dance floor shortly before hearing your jam and forgetting what you were crying about.

Puke. lots of puke

Always running late:

Between outfit choices, accessorizing, taking 20 minutes of fighting to get her to brush her teeth, negotiating to get her to eat breakfast, it’s a constant struggle to get out the effing door on time.

For the spring breaker there’s the dynamic of 7 girls doing a Chinese fire drill to all use the bathroom, get dressed and get their shit together to get to the beach, or dinner, or the airport where they make their flight by the skin of their teeth, mostly because of the one friend who is nursing a hangover and is still in bed.

Buying stupid shit:

5 yr olds pick out the dumbest stuff sometimes. The plethora of junk in the bins of our playroom is ridiculous and rivals the show Hoarders. How many gum-ball machine trinkets do you really need? And when I finally muster up the courage to throw one out and am filled with irrational fear of pissing her off, she notices it’s missing.  How? How does she even remember the single purple goomie she used 40 tickets (equivalent to $20) she got 6 months ago at Chuck E Cheese?!

The market for spring break chatchkies is just as ludicrous.  You end up with a suitcase full of novelty shot glasses, tshirts and cheap Mexican silver that tarnishes before you even deplane.

 

I’m sure I could come up with more but you get the gist.  The similarities are uncanny, and the scary part is that our kids are all going to turn into those spring breakers anyway. Practice I suppose.

 

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s