Tinderella

Let’s talk about dating.

It ain’t easy and it has changed a whole lot since back in the day. Before my divorce, the last time I dated was in high school/college and that basically consisted of fraternity/sorority date functions, grab-a-dates and woodsers where you drank horrible beer like bud light or some concoction (aka Hunch Punch) using grain alcohol and fruit punch served from a giant garbage can and maybe your suitor took you to Chili’s…if there was time between making togas and other themed outfits for said functions.

Post-divorce I was thrusted (no really my friends made me) into the world of online dating. I refused to do JDate because let’s face it, the Jewish community in South Florida beats Kevin Bacon’s 6 degrees of separation game hands down. So it was likely that any man I encountered on Jdate had probably touched a number of my friends’ boobs.

So I did join Match.com and I did meet someone amazing and we are doing the whole happily ever after thing in just a couple of months.

While I did hit the jackpot with SLS, you are exposed to a lot of things you just can’t unsee on these dating sites. For every awesome guy, there are 25 douche canoes with cheesy pick up lines and horrible grammar. It’s like Douchebagistan.

But it is HIGHLY entertaining. So much so, that one of my new favorite pastimes is coercing my single friends to create online profiles (payback’s a bitch) and I basically monitor it for them. I’m like a buffer so to speak. I bet I could make a career out of it someday.

I never made it to Tinder myself, but a ton of my friends are on it and my god do I love swiping the shit out of that app. I know Tinder used to be mostly for people looking for sex with no strings (It’s like the straight person’s Grindr), but it has changed and I actually know people who have gotten married after meeting on it. So when someone is willing to hand me their phone and tells me to swipe away, I am like a kid in a candy store…a straight up Tinderella.

It’s like a modern-day version of the Wizard of Oz and while my friends are the ones engaging in conversation and actually going on the dates, I’m the woman behind the curtain. I get the party started by making some matches.

Guys, what goes on with Tinder is reedonkulous. And there are trends that are not ok. And get this…the MEN are bigger offenders than women. Women get a bad rap for dating profile pictures – taking too many selfies in the mirror, etc. But the selfie situation with the men of Tinder is egregious.

So friends, I decided to bring you a short sampling of what the single ladies are faced with when navigating the waters of Tinder.

You’re welcome.

P.S. I blocked out their eyes in an effort to not be a total bitch, but frankly I probably shouldn’t have. They deserve to be seen in all their glory.

Exhibit 1: The Ladies Man

t1

 

Nothing, and I mean nothing, makes me want to connect with a potential suitor more, than seeing him dripping in blondes…said no woman ever.

But wait, there’s more!

t2

I also love to see a man with passed out, sloppy, incoherent blondes all over him. That’s totally a turn on.

And just when you think the Ladies Man can’t get any better, he gets all artsy on you.

t3

PEEK A BOO, LADIES

 

Exhibit 2: The Guy Who REALLY Wants You to Know He’s a Doctor. Like Really.

Hey baby, check out my stethoscope. Hot right?

Hey baby, check out my stethoscope. Hot right?

"Bro, take a pic of me looking in the microscope for my tinder profile...it will attract mad honeys!"

“Bro, take a pic of me looking in the microscope for my tinder profile…it will attract mad honeys!”

 

Exhibit 3: The Guy Who Wants You to See His Body (also known to take tons of bathroom selfies)

t5

This guy says he's a DJ, but I don't know how he finds time in between protein shakes, gym time and tanning.

This guy says he’s a DJ, but I don’t know how he finds time in between protein shakes, gym time and tanning.

I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that this bathroom selfie is one of HUNDREDS I saw in a matter of minutes.

t10

At least he’s a man with religious conviction who’s not afraid to show a little HEavage

t8

Guys, he’s on fire…literally

t12

If you are going to have the balls to get a Louisville Slugger tattoo on your bicep, you better have one hell of a bicep and this is NOT it. This guy should be benched.

Exhibit 4: The Artsy Guys

This gives me nightmares

This gives me nightmares

Brings Port-o-potty to a new level

Brings Port-o-potty to a new level

Don’t look at the camera. Don’t look at the camera. Don’t look at the camera.

 

Exhibit 5: The Weirdos I Just Don’t Know How to Classify

He looks like he has to poop

He looks like he has to poop

Let's play a game I like to call - Are you winking at me or do you have conjunctivitis?

Let’s play a game I like to call – Are you winking at me or do you have conjunctivitis?

I did not edit this picture - he took a selfie from the nose up. Why?

I did not edit this picture – he took a selfie from the nose up. Why?

The amount of men on Tinder holding or cuddling real live tigers or other cats that should not be domesticated is staggering. A close second to the bathroom selfie epidemic.

The amount of men on Tinder holding or cuddling real live tigers or other wild cats that should not be domesticated is staggering. A close second to the bathroom selfie epidemic.

There are so many weird cat pics that I feel like there could be an entire online dating site dedicated to this demographic.

There are so many weird cat pics that I feel like there could be an entire online dating site dedicated to this demographic.

Beaded facial hair is the new black.

Beaded facial hair is the new black.

I think he had a wicked fight with his hair stylist

I think he had a wicked fight with his hair stylist

This guy's profile says he's 32. If he's 32, I'm the Virgin Mary.

This guy’s profile says he’s 32. If he’s 32, I’m the Virgin Mary.

Glamour shots gone awry

Glamour shots gone awry

And I saved the best for last. This ladies and gents is my favorite Tinder pic of all time and I don’t think it can be topped. It’s Tinder Gold. Brace yoursleves.

It’s so good it doesn’t even need a caption. Here’s Exhibit 6 in all of its glory.

t20

 

My only regret is that I didn’t screenshot the other two but I will happily explain them so you can enjoy the visuals. Profile pic #2 was him naked from neck to belly button all lathered up with soap. Profile pic #3 was a bag full of wads of cash in rubber bands on a bed.

So get excited single ladies! There’s plenty of guys just like this waiting for you to swipe right!

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