We PROMise to Embarrass You

The past weekend was monumental for a couple of reasons.

1) The W&C Facebook page reached 500 likes, which was my quota to force SLS to write a blog post. It’s in progress now so we’ll see what he’s cooking up. I promised not to meddle…

In the meantime please keep sharing. I can’t tell you how stoked I am that you guys are helping me get those numbers up!

2) My cousin (to be specific, my cousin’s daughter – Alexys) went to prom with her boyfriend and so obviously we had a send-off only my family could have, to send the 17-year-old to prom.

prom

She went with her boyfriend, who is familiar with our antics, so I’m sure it made it less stressful for her.

Alexys is also a superstar soccer player, and currently lives in Orlando where she had a game that day, so the timing was going to be interesting to be ready for a 6pm prom in Fort Lauderdale.

Me and mini me drove down for the festivities and anxiously awaited the arrival.

There were check-ins every 20 mins or so and at 6:20, while they were still en route, Alexys dropped a bomb that my Type A mother was NOT prepared for in the form of a text that said, “Andy’s (that’s the boyfriend) parents are also coming.”

Well, she lost her cookies. Not because they weren’t invited, because of course they were welcome, but had my mom known it wasn’t just us she would have catered in from one of the many places that probably have her on a “Do Not Serve” or “Warning…she can be a pain in the ass” list.

She’s in a panic (keep in mind it’s not like there’s no food – she just ordered 2 full pizzas) because there was no time to prep her signature kugel that finds it way out on the table for EVERY gathering. She’s rummaging through the fridge and pantry to keep her “hostess with the mostest status” and literally telling anyone who will listen that she’s totally fine they are coming, just embarrassed she doesn’t have her usual Arlyne-style spread…”Had I known they were coming I could have ordered food!”

Alexys and Karyn (her mom, my cousin) make an entrance at 7:15, and the hair and makeup woman, Stephanie, is already set up and waiting. She’s been here for all of 15 minutes and my mom is already calling her “Steph.” Thank god she’s cuban because that means she’s used to insane families.

My mom begins a full interrogation: Do you have your own hotel room? What’s the plan? Are you going to drink? Don’t let Alexys drink too much or she’ll puke!

Andy’s parents get there and after the hellos, my mom of course launches into, “I had no idea you were coming!! I would have had a whole spread! I’m so sorry!”

We’re pushing 8:30pm and Alexys is still getting ready. Andy is being polite but he’s definitely antsy. My mom, trying to make everyone feel better, has now told them no less than 4 times, that I missed prom because we got lost and were driving around all night.

“No mom, that was homecoming.”

“Oh right, you got kicked out of prom for dirty dancing with your boyfriend!”

Not entirely accurate but close enough, so I just let it go.

Andy is getting dressed in the other bedroom, and my mom forgets that he’s NOT part of the family yet and just opens the door. No knock, no warning. He JUMPS to get into his pants. Poor guy.

We are literally huddled in my mom’s bathroom while Alexys gets primped. God forbid the teenager has ANY privacy. And this was prom…just wait until she gets married.

cringe-laughed-her-mom-wedding-night-advice

I’m talking to “Steph” the make-up artist (and my mom’s new biffle) about an eyeliner I see her use and my mom says, “Oh I tried something the other day…what was it…I can’t remember…”

Alexys comes back quickly with, “Drugs?”

Typical family banter – nobody is safe and the “respect your elders” thing is out the window when it comes to cracking jokes.

It’s time for her to select a lip color and when someone suggests red, my mom busts out with, “When I wear red, I look like a hooker.”

Meanwhile on the outside, Bob, playing co-host, offers Andy’s parents some drinks. Andy’s dad settles on scotch on the rocks.

He goes in the kitchen to get it and it’s gone. Then this conversation happens:

Bob: Arlyne, did you see the Scotch?

Mom: Yeah, I threw it out

Bob: What?!?!? Why would you throw it out?

Mom: Because it was 10 years old!!!!!!!!

It’s so laughable (and par for the course) he can’t even get upset. She even tried to rally for support on Facebook when I put her on blast.

text. PNG

text2

No takers. It’s just too ridiculous.

It’s time to get Alexys in her dress so I grab it…look at the tag and immediately hate her.

FullSizeRender

Effing size two.

She again has no privacy while getting dressed but is used to it so she doesn’t flinch. My child is taking in the teenage girl goodies and we all hate/love her because her stupid perfect body has not an ounce of cellulite, not a single flaw, and fits perfectly into a size 2 backless dress. And forget it, when we all caught a glimpse of her underwear we went nuts. My mom’s jaw is on the floor, I’m in shock because I’m a grown woman and don’t have anything that looks half as sexy, and her mother is denying buying them or ever seeing them.

Again, she’s not flinching. You can’t be in this family and get embarrassed. It would never work.

The prom transformation is complete, the couple gets a glimpse at each other before we force them to take a series of pictures…all at the same time so they have no idea where to look.

back

This is what no back fat and no oprah arms that swing with a stiff breeze, looks like. Oh to be a teenager again.

My daughter only wanted to see how they were going to dance at prom. Doubt this is it, but thanks for humoring her.

dance

I’m no dummy. There’s more twerking and less waltzing at today’s proms.

 

So off they went at like 10pm and then hit a detour. My guess is they made it in time for the after party, which let’s be honest, is all anyone cares about anyway.

We were right behind them and had time for one more elevator selfie, including the leopard dog stroller.

selfie

If it’s anything like my prom…ahem 20 years ago…it will be filled with subpar buffet food (hence why you go out to dinner before or after) a mediocre DJ playing the electric slide and top hats and canes. True story.

Happy Prom Night, you two!

 

3 thoughts on “We PROMise to Embarrass You

  1. Pingback: Aaaannnnd Now She’s a Entrepreneur | Whine and Cheez (Its)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s