Father’s Day is waiting in the wings which means stores like Brookstone will have record sales for stupid gadgets people scoff at the other 364 days of the year, and poor shmucks everywhere will get the cliché tie as their bounty for helping make a child.
I’m getting hit with emails, and other direct marketing materials left and right pushing all sorts of father’s day swag. But I get Bob the same thing every year…because it’s what he genuinely wants and he loves it – a gift certificate to Khiel’s for his fancy shampoo and other toiletries. Done.
Others will suffer a different fate, and based on some of the shit I’m seeing promoted, I hope you make wise choices when gifting to the daddies on your list.
If you haven’t checked out the special Father’s Day section on Groupon, and are looking for some entertainment, you totally should. It’s not nearly as entertaining as the “Casual Encounters” section on Craigslist, or the comment feed on any news station’s Facebook post of a random criminal’s mug shot, but it’s worth the look. I’ll even give you what I think just might be the top 7 most ridiculous gifts on there.
Here we go…in no particular order:
1) Toilet Golf.
I mean, really??? It’s not enough people bring iPads and iPhones into the bathroom to occupy themselves and feed into their candy crush obsessions? Now they need a putting green while they poop? And what happens after – do you store it somewhere or do you just have a mini golf course in front of your toilet at all times?
2) Belt Buckle / Bottle Opener Hybrid.
I am all for multitasking but this is ridiculous. There’s nothing charming about a guy popping off a beer cap with his belt. This is so country I can’t even comprehend it. But if you are going for this type of thing you should probably bundle it with a Jeff Foxworthy DVD, a case of Bud Heavy and a “Git Er Done” wife beater.
3) Shaving Accessories.
I actually think nice shaving stuff is a decent gift but had to include this for the picture alone. Is this for real? Who directed the shoot and told him to naturally place his hand on his chin like that making look as far from natural as possible? And the more important question – did they pick someone who matched the shaving brush or did they frost his tips to match after they booked him?
4) One Level (Barely) Above Axe Body Spray.
Hey, your middle school called and it wants its cologne back. I bought this very scent for my 7th grade boyfriend by writing a check at Burdines in the Mall. And don’t even get me started on Coolwater. This is not one of those retro trends. It’s over. Let it go.
5) Video Games
This is a GREAT gift…if you never want to see your baby daddy again. Instead he’ll be camped out on your couch yelling at strangers through a headset as they strategize how to kill the bad guy and take themselves way too seriously.
6) Pajama Jeans for Men.
And lucky number 7) Horrifying Sex Toy.
Guys…seriously…what the EFF is this?!?!? There is NOTHING about that picture that makes me think sexy thoughts. I have no words.
So there’s your little Groupon round-up of Father’s Day gift ideas NOT to purchase. That place is an arsenal of bad decisions peppered with great restaurant bargains and a few other steals I purchase frequently (like oodles of Garcinia Camobogia to feed my habit).
Happy Father’s Day y’all!