Shittiest Day Ever…Literally

You ever have one of those days? You know…the kind where it doesn’t even seem like real life and if someone were to tell you what was going to go down you would never believe them?

That was today.

It started like any normal day…as they do at 9-months pregnant, with an internal at my OBGYN (which is SUPER fun) to check for any progress. From there, I had grand plans to go home, get some work done, do laundry and continue nesting.

However, I walked in to see our chihuahua in position to poop right there on my floor. I rushed him outside, with the grace of a hippo, and we made it just in time. Then when I put the little fucker down, he proceeded to puke all over the floor. Guess he traded one bodily function for another.

I texted Jason and he asked me to drop him at the vet. BTdubs, you should also know, that our other dog just came back from the vet yesterday after having ANOTHER surgery from tearing a second ACL in a month. We singlehandedly keep the vet in business and he’ll probably be able to retire 10 years earlier because of us. You’re welcome, doc.

So here I am, already deviating from my plan, and en route to the vet, when it happens. Spike (the chihuahua) pukes all over my seat…right between my legs, which are in a semi-permanent ajar position on account of my protruding belly.

I moved him over to the passenger seat and that’s when he began to shit his brains out…all over my seat…as I’m driving and simultaneously screaming. Because he wasn’t just expelling waste from his body, he was stepping in it, getting it in between every crevis of his tiny paws.

But wait, there’s more.

I put him in the backseat just praying for traffic to let up so I could get to the fucking vet and he then performs shitshow part deux ALL over the back seat, and then jumps on the center console and drops more between my seats. I’ve never seen so much poop come out of an 8lb dog.

At this point I am crying and dry-heaving. I pull over into a random office parking lot, call my husband and start speaking in tongues. I was 100% hysterical. Jason is no moron, heard my voice and left work immediately (probably because he was a little scared of my exorcist-level emotion…as he should have been at that moment).

As I waited for him, I tried to clean up with the travel-size packet of baby wipes I had in my car, gagging the whole time, and having cars pull up asking if I was ok. I’m guessing the scene of a very pregnant woman, outside her car, all doors open, with a dog on a leash and handfuls of shit-covered baby wipes, is cause for concern.

When Jason arrived, I passed that dog like a dirty fucking baton and peaced-out to the car wash. Obviously I had to drive with the windows open because of the smell, and as I was on the phone crying to my mother, what happens?? A bird, on a wire above the red light I was waiting at, took my cracked window as an open invitation to ALSO take a shit right on my headrest. I wish I was kidding. When I told my mom what was happening through my ugly crying, she was laughing so hard she could not form a coherent sentence and most definitely peed her pants.

At the carwash, I pulled up and they greeted me with the obligatory, “How’s your day?” They did not get the obligatory, “Great! How about you?” in return. What they did get was a rant about how my car was covered in dog puke and shit (did I mention my seats are perforated?) and I needed them to make it like brand new. They just stared at me…then at my belly…then at me again.

I had texted a couple friends about my current situation and one of them basically saved the day (at least for the 2+ hours my car was being detailed). Shirley came to get me so I wouldn’t have to wait.

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Friends pick you up in times of need. Good friends snap a picture of your misery.

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My spirits were IMMEDIATELY lifted just being in her presence, because she does shit like put our karaoke song on without missing a beat.

I accompanied her to the mall where she had some business to take care of, and also hoping that the walking would put me into labor. Almost from the moment we got there, I got looks from mall goers ranging from horrified to lascivious. I don’t know why there is a fear of very pregnant women in public, but there is.

In addition to the crowd ogling me like my baby was crowning, we also saw the usual onslaught of Boca’s finest carting their dogs in strollers. But today was different, because there was a woman pushing around a cat. A CAT, you guys. So naturally we had to follow her into the AT&T store for Shirley to covertly get a picture of her, because how do you not?!?

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When my husband called to check-in (read: make sure I wasn’t humming and rocking myself in a dark corner), I told him I might not come home and may either check myself into a mental ward or spa… game-time decision.

But instead, after Shirley sniff-inspected my newly washed car like McGruff the Crime Dog, I gave myself a small pat on the back  for supporting a local business…

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And said “Boy Bye” to shitmageddon.

Spike is currently on car probation until I emotionally heal.

Here’s to a brand new, shit-free day, tomorrow!

Making “Parent” Friends – New Parental Advisory Podcast Episode

Who’s ready for episode 5 of the Parental Advisory Podcast? 

On this one, Daddy Mind Tricks and I talk about the struggle of making parenting friends – and some other stuff, because let’s face it…we like a good tangent.

bit.ly/iTunesPAP

Check it out!!!

 

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My Husband is NOT My Best Friend – New for The Huffington Post

So I have a confession…my husband is not my best friend. And we are both totally cool with it.

Read all about it in today’s article for The Huffington Post!

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Birthdays, Buses, Bathroom Hoses and Black & White Cookies

My friend Dale has a party every year to commemorate his birth. They are not normal parties like you or I would have where a group of friends gather for dinner and drinks. His are just a little different. There’s always a dress code. The room is bustling with skinny girls 20 years my junior with asses for days. There are usually some surprises – like half-naked dancers, robots with smoke guns, women wearing dresses made from bottles of alcohol and other things that probably require city permits.

I’ve talked about him several times on the blog and have actually covered his last couple of birthday parties….because they are that epic and warrant press coverage. I basically get the exclusive every year. You can kind of say that I am his official blogger.

I actually know that he considers me a true friend (which is fair since I have known him for 20+ years and we have had our share of adventures) because I’m still invited even though I am old compared to the overwhelming majority of the guest list. There’s actually a small group of us V.O.P.s (Very Old People) who stick together and adult in the corner somewhere probably talking about shit like our mortgages, kids and gas prices.

So last night was the annual birthday celebration and it actually had an official name – The Black and White Cookie Party. The dress code was for women to be in white and men in black. Which is so unfair to begin with to an almost 40-yr old-woman. I mean, we all know black is the slimming color. White is basically for women who have no cellulite and have not birthed a child. But I listened because I am a rule follower (most of the time) and I want to remain on the invite list without rocking the boat.

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The party was set to be a 23-square-foot mansion with a pool bigger than my home, owned by someone with a name eerily similar to King Jaffe Joffer from Coming to America.

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I’ll admit, I was a little more excited about the house than the party for a hot minute. Seriously…when would you ever walk into a 23,000-square-foot house in your life?

But let’s talk about the invite for a second so I can point out some of the inherent differences in a party a normal person would have. You guys…there’s a hashtag, a sponsor and the option to bring swimwear. That’s like Yeezy-level shit. Can you effing imagine the looks I would have gotten if I busted out my swimwear – a momkini with a big, billowy cover-up and monogrammed baseball hat?

But my dreams were quickly shattered as this house was on the naughty list for throwing too many raucous parties, so there was a last-minute venue change. If this happened to me, I would literally panic and take all the xanax, but Dale is different. He’s not a white, Jewish girl predisposed to anxiety (even though he has soft spot in his heart for them), so he rolled with it and had his people (let it be noted he has people) send out information with the new deets.

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With all the uber talk, I got nervous and even checked with him about parking when I realized there would be walking, because that greatly affects shoe choice. You can’t rock car to curb Louboutins if you have to hoof it even 500 yards, am I right?

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So it was on to a different mansion and the good news was that this one was on the water, so now we have the option to take a boat…as our host so conveniently points out in the update below (sidenote: there were more updates for this party than a CNN ticker and as someone who is Type A, that’s totes my jam). My boat, unfortunately, was in the shop so it was a no-go but the good news was that there was a shuttle from where we were told to park. Also, mad props for the reminder not to get into random cars – my neurotic mother would give you a gold star.

 

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And this was the exact moment I realized that Dale incorporated a scavenger hunt into his party this year! Super fun!!

That informative map with the pin above that says “park here” may seem super cut and dry, but it’s a giant mall. Soooooo, we pulled into one of the multiple parking lots and started the scavenger hunt. We looked for other people in black and white. We searched for clues. Polled mall security. And looked high and low for the elusive shuttle…then we we found it!

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Just kidding, that wasn’t it, but after we parked, we picked up a stray dressed in white, added her to our wolfpack and walked into a neighborhood where google maps on our phone told us to go.

Yay! We found it and the birthday boy (oh, and the “shuttle” BTdubs which was parked in the driveway of the house which did us no good.)

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We soaked in the balmy 95 degree breezes from the intracoastal and sucked on ice chips like women in labor to stay cool. Dale is after all, a Miami Heat personality so for all we know the “heat” was a chic and purposeful part of the theme? I quickly mobilized for pictures before the facade broke down and I still looked cute and the jew fro emerged. It’s like being effing Cinderella and getting the good shots in before the clock strikes midnight and you turn into a pumpkin.

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We even took an updated picture because these two wanted to prevent me from using the old one of the three of us from a Dale party back in the day, but how can I possibly retire that?

My friend Karen and I took a little stroll to check out the house. You know to look at the finishes, crown molding, flooring and piece de resistance…

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Guys, the toilet came fully equipped with contraption to hose yourself down. This house had EVERYTHING. From going above and beyond in the bathroom…

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To a refreshment table that was ON FLEEK!

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No but seriously, there was amazing music, a bar, black and white cookies and Dale…which is ALL you really need to pull of a great party.

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Happy birthday buddy! I love you lots and you will forever be my side chocolate. I can’t wait to see what next year has in store!

My Heart Belongs to 90s Hip Hop

I do not live in the past, expect for one aspect of my life…I love all things 90s hip hop. All things.

My iTunes library is basically 93% everything previously played on Power 96 and 99 Jamz back in the day. If you get in my car you will most likely hear Sirius channel 47 (unless I have to change it because they are playing Bone Thugs or Ja Rule for the 1000th time. That or I am in such a momfog I forgot to turn off Kidz Bop.)

And if you remember, I attended last year’s Legends of the Old School concert and loved it (even despite some of the baaaaaad performances). So obviously, when it came back again this year with a different lineup, I was down like two flat tires.

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So here’s a little recap:

69 Boyz: Booty music is my jam and these guys brought it. Period.

JJ Fad: I would have been fine with Supersonic and just Supersonic.

TKA: Oy. It felt like they were on stage for 3 hours and 95% of it was dancing and singing other people’s songs. Listen…I love a good cover, but cmon.

Rob Base: It Takes Two. Enough said.

DJ Laz: If you grew up in Miami and don’t love the Pimp with Da Limp…did you even grow up in Miami?

Tone Loc: His voice is EXACTLY the same. I could have used a little more Tone and a little less of his hype man. Also, I think I need a hype man.

Bel Biv Devoe: Guys, they are almost 50. FIFTY!! And they can still kill it on stage. They were by far the best.

Lisa Lisa: I still don’t understand why she closed the show and to be honest I was so done from TKA’s 12 hour performance that we left after one song.

As far as it being hosted by Kid n Play, they actually did the Kid n Play so that was a win.

Here are a couple of things I learned/observed from this year:

  1. There are morons who think it’s normal to throw a giant blanket down in the middle of a huge crowd that is ALL standing and have the nerve to get annoyed if someone steps on it.
  2. DJ Zog proved that the art of scratching is truly a lost art. Nobody brings turntables and vinyl to DJ anymore. Instead they bring a MacBook Pro. Technology is awesome but so is scratching.
  3. Tone Loc still gets groupies and they are disgusting. They had a bunch of ladies from the audience come up on stage during his performance and there was one girl who had a maje wardrobe malfunction the second her feet hit the stage. Full nipple and it was gross. Not even nice nipple. She was unphased that her titty was flapping in the wind too. If that happened to me, I would cry and then move. Anyway, she was all over Tone Loc, grabbing the mic (and I’m sure she had a handful of something else backstage) and at one point was visibly whispering in his ear. Let’s just say that she did NOT exit the stage with everyone else and was on stage drinking. I’m willing to bet that Wild Thing was not just a song that night.
  4. Sweet Jesus, does booty dancing at 39 do a number on the hips. And hips don’t lie.
  5. My husband’s Biggie shirt is a chick magnet. No seriously, random girls came up to ask if they could take a pic with him.biggie

There were even a few moments of crowd participation, including one to test our 90s hip hop street cred. Spoiler alert – I passed.

And it wasn’t ALL hip hop all the time. There were even some rogue (but amazing) music moments that had everyone singing along.

But the BIGGEST takeaway, is that regardless of race, age, marital status and a million other identifying factors…90s hip hop binds us all.

And I did exactly what my mom always tells me to do…

You Had Me at Pinot – A Night With OneHope Wine

I love having friends over. My gaggle of girls is like no other and to me there is nothing better than having a girls’ night IN, cracking some wine open, eating and laughing. Actually, I’d rather pop bottles in my home than in some roped off VIP area with chicks wearing tube tops as skirts (that’s so late 80s BTW, I did it and there were called Multiples) at the trendiest club on SoBe.

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So when I was contacted by OneHope Wine to have an event at my home, they had me at Pinot (Noir).

Not just because I love wine. Because I totally do. But I LOVE what this company is about. Every bottle you purchase donates proceeds to a different charitable cause (autism, breast cancer, providing clean water, ending hunger, and the list goes on).

So, I know what you’re thinking…the wine probably sucks.

Well, it does NOT. It’s good you guys. As a matter of fact to put it in perspective, I’m committed to red wine like Jax from Vanderpump Rules is committed to being the world’s douchiest douche. (If you’re not watching that show, and like a good train wreck, you are totes missing out by the way). However, their chardonnay was so delicious that for the first time in at least a decade I bought a bottle of white. That’s a BFD for me.

One of my other favorite things about OneHope are the glitter bottles.

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If you like shiny things, and I definitely do, they are GORGEOUS. Like too pretty to open gorgeous. So pretty and with such purpose that they have been featured on Oprah and in Allure.

Alina, from OneHope led us on a little tasting tour, explaining not only the notes of the wines but also about each charity involved.

And, one of the best parts was that 15% of any half cases or cases purchased that evening went to a charity of my choosing. It was a no-brainer for me. I selected Bright Pink for very personal reasons. My mother is a breast cancer survivor and any chance I have to give back to charities that help against the fight of this shitty disease, you better believe I’m going to do it.

My childhood friend, Rotem, also a breast cancer survivor, is an ambassador for Bright Pink and was able to attend, share her story, explain what Bright Pink does…and drink with us 🙂

I couldn’t help but look around the room at many times during the night and be proud. Proud to be having this event with OneHope and proud of all of us for taking time out of our weekends to do something meaningful and amazing.

Thank you to all who came out and supported the important causes OneHope is involved with. Thank you to Alina. Thank you to Rotem. And most of all, thank you to my mama for being the strongest woman I know and coming to support me at an event that started when you are usually in REM sleep (just for the record, it started at 7pm).

I urge you to check out OneHope Wine . What they are doing is pretty damn spectacular.

To order you can visit: www.viaonehope.com/alina-cascante

Peace, Love and OneHope

xx

Rachel

 

 

 

 

You Should Totally Leave Your Husband – NEW from Suburban Misfit Mom!

Divorce is a slippery slope and friends need to be careful what they say when they know people in the thick of it! Check out my new story on Suburban Misfit Mom!

 

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It’s Not a MOMpetiton – New From Lifestyle Magazine

You know those moms who alway seem to be in competition with you? It could be about their child’s sleep habits, eating habits, academic prowess and even gifted testing?

I hate those moms.

And I’m calling for an end to the MOMpetition. Read all about it in this month’s Lifestyle Magazine Article! (Page 24)

AAAANNNNNDDDDD – There’s even a very special cameo from my person – Marni!

Decmeber LFMAG

 

 

Whine & Cheez(its) Review: Read Between the Wines Game

I’m not really a game person. Actually the thought of a game night doesn’t do it for me. I’m more the “crack open a bottle of wine (or 10) and shoot the shit” kind of gal. But, my interest was piqued when I received the game “Read Between the Wines” to take for a test run. The last time I played a drinking game, was probably flip cup in the 90s. But this was WAYYYYYY more refined.

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Because my squad is all over South Florida running in different directions at different speeds, it took about a month to actually nail down a date/time for our grown-up playdate.

The game comes with everything you need, minus the wine and glasses (which I happen to have a bounty of). I told everyone to bring a bottle of wine (dealer’s choice) and I would provide the food, including “The Dip” (I’m kinda famous in some circles for my spinach artichoke dip).

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Once everyone said their hellos and caught up, I got super bossy and moved everyone to the table so we could get to business. I made the mistake of not really reviewing the rules/directions BEFORE everyone got there which did not work in my favor. I totally screwed up the first couple of rounds and even left some things out.

That's me screwing up the directions and my friends laughing at me

That’s me screwing up the directions and my friends laughing at me

And if I wasn’t leaving things out, my friend since before birth, Kelley, was totally derailing my wrangling with side conversations at every turn. It’s kind of her thing after a few drinks (in addition to a super squeaky voice) so we are used to it and love her immensely for it.

But once we got rolling it was highly entertaining. Basically I served as the “wine waiter” and poured a small sampling like a super knowledgeable sommelier, for each person. Then they had to taste it and write a description of the wine based on a theme I gave them from a deck of little cards provided (that’s the part I originally forgot and it’s kind of a big deal).

For example one theme was to describe the wine using sports-related terms to which I received clever responses like “tastes like burnt ball park hot dogs” and “not a home run”. Another example was to describe the upbringing of the grapes for this wine which elicited some dicey and questionable responses. Let’s just say my friends are beyond inappropriate and I effing love it.

Once everyone turned in their responses, I read them aloud and the table had to guess who said what. The winner with the most correct guesses at the end won. And the prize was (most appropriately) a bottle of wine.

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This pic speaks volumes. That’s Elise hard at work carrying the weight for her teammate, Kelley (the derailer). Kelley and I had many moments like this growing up.

We went for a few rounds, the responses definitely got funnier and more inventive (and more salacious) as we went (combo of the wine and the inherent hilariousness of my friends).

We had a great time and lots of laughs.

Thank you to all of my girls who came to play and for being such sports while I (and Marissa – my unofficial photog) were like paparazzi trying to capture all the moments. And congrats to Lorin and Debbie (the winners)! Lorin, btw, treated the game like a psychological evaluation based on the descriptions, which was clearly a winning strategy because her team took home the gold.

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I only have two MUSTS  in terms of advice if you are going to engage in this game.

  1. Study up on the rules beforehand. It’s not that they are difficult, but there are a few different steps and after a couple of glasses of wine they are not so easy to navigate (totally my fault)
  2. You CANNOT play with lame people. I’m not kidding. Don’t invite people to be “polite”. Invite funny people only or your game will suck.

If you want to experience Read Between the Wines you can purchase it at www.readbetweenwines.com or click here. And because I totes have your back, I got my readers a discount code for 15% off – RBTWINES

This is a GREAT holiday gift for the game lover who also loves wine. (Or even the teachers who are with our kids all day ;))

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Club W

Hitting the MOTHERlode : New From Lifestyle Magazine

If you are a mom with a child in school, you KNOW the dynamics that school moms bring to the table. Especially when a new school year starts and you pray to god the ones you have grown to love stay in the same class, and the bitchy brown-nosers get another teacher.

Don’t lie – you know you do.

Make no mistake, the first day of school brings mamas anxiety too! I mean, you are stuck with these women for an entire year!

Check out more in my November column for Lifestyle Magazine Boca/Delray! (Page 24)

 

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If you haven’t tried LEANER CREAMER  yet, you don’t know what you’re missing! Click the link to learn more and purchase!

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