Unfortunately I am old enough to remember a time when Facebook (and all social media) did not exist. The closest thing to it was when AOL hit the scene and me and my girlfriends would hang out in creepy chat rooms engaging in fabricated conversations with what I’m sure was the next person with a starring role on “To Catch a Predator”. My screen name BTDubs was Bitesize98 – Bitesize being a nickname given to me by some of my brother’s friends. It was a cute, ghetto euphemism for calling me petite. (Interestingly enough that was followed by another size-based nickname. This one from the owner of the entertainment company I worked for when I had to deal with bar mitzvah boy boners every weekend. That one was “Lil Bit”)
Anyway, I digress.
When Facebook became open to the masses and not just hungover college students, I was working in tech PR in Boston. Our agency principal insisted we all have Facebook accounts because social was blowing up and bleeding its way into business. I so did not want it. Was adamantly against doing it actually. But, we all did. (Same thing happened with Twitter btw, which I still don’t like for personal use, but totally get for business.)
So here I am, with a stupid Facebook page, and my only friends are other agency folk who I literally see every day. So dumb.
But then, something started to happen. All of a sudden, people from all periods in my life – from elementary school to college to camp to jobs I forgot I ever had – started to emerge and send friend requests. It was CRAY!
And just like that, I changed my tune. It was incredible catching up with people. Seeing pictures of their families, their kids. Getting updated on what everyone was doing with their lives. Seeing ex boyfriends get fat. It was like a life reunion.
And I still love it. But… there are things that go on that make me want to rip every hair out of my head. So here they are.
Let me be clear. I know almost everyone takes selfies. I’ve dabbled myself. But there’s a difference between an occassional solo selfie, or a selfie with your friends or kids. And then there’s that thing where your entire Facebook feed is literally selfie, after selfie, after selfie…of just you, standing in the bathroom mirror…wanting to show everyone how hot you are. We get it. You have a great body and are super pretty. Now fill your feed with some variety and throw some guests in those pics. I’d like to see what else you have going on in your little world instead of how many shades of lipstick you’re experimenting with every week.
2) ALL OF THE THINGS I CAN’T EAT
Jesus Effing Christ. I can’t take it. I don’t even know what I can eat anymore. Everything is contaminated, or bad for you, or will shave 5 years off your life. Don’t eat carbs. Wait you can eat carbs, just not white flour. No cow’s milk unless it’s organic. Wait don’t do that. Have almond milk instead. But only this one brand because the rest is bad for you and contains ingredients you shouldn’t have. Stay away from Soy because it makes men grow boobs. Oh, and don’t use shampoo because it gives you cancer.
Every damn day, I have countless posts about all of the things to stay away from and I start to feel like the overwhelming majority of my friends list must work for the CDC based on the information they are publicizing. And before you attack, I am not talking about posts related to food allergies so relax, slow your roll.
3) MY KIDS ARE BETTER THAN YOURS
I already have issues with people on Facebook who have selective sharing. You know who I am talking about. The ones whose lives, in the form of status updates, look like something straight out of fantasy land. We all have em’ and this isn’t the first time I’ve voiced my disdain. Post after post about how their kids ate something from every food group for every meal, dressed themselves in perfectly pressed clothing, shared their homemade, not from concentrate, hand squeezed orange juice with the homeless, got 10 straight A’s on their homework and have a viable plan for world peace. Cut the shit and balance that goodness out with a post about the diaper blow out your youngest had at the mall and how your husband hated your haircut. Seriously.
I can’t even elaborate on this. And yes everyone is entitled to their opinion but some people are so effing ignorant in what they choose to post that it gets me crazy. I get that Facebook is all about freedom of speech, but I think stupidity should be a caveat.
5) CELEBRITY DEATHS
Every time a celebrity dies, I feel a pinch of anxiety knowing that The Book is going to be flooded with RIPs. I know people are showing their respects, but it’s like a shiva that will never end.
6) SENDING ME GAME REQUESTS
I don’t want to be in your mafia, I don’t want to work on your farm. I don’t want to give you candy. Just stop. It’s never going to happen. You have a better chance of getting me to pop bottles in Miami.
So for the love of god, I know Facebook is ours to do what we want with. But just try not to be as asshole ALL the time. Everything in moderation people.