I did a little social experiment a few posts ago. I asked W&C readers to submit questions about anything – dating after divorce, parenting, life, etc. and in return I would offer my pure, unadulterated, UNsugarcoated advice. In my core group of girlfriends I have been referred to as a “therapist” more than once so I figured, what the hell? (Disclaimer – like most people, especially women, I often do NOT take my own advice…but I should because I’m told it’s pretty solid.)
I’m no expert, my word is not gospel, BUT….I will be real. No bullshit. And probably a little bit sarcastic for entertainment purposes. So….without further adieu, I’m going to answer the few questions I received (seriously guys, you can do better, c’mon – send me your stuff!)
Q: My husband and I have SUCH different tastes in music and I think it might be a problem. He’s also severely oblivious to things I consider common knowledge in the world of music…like who sings Ice Ice Baby. And no, I’m not kidding.
A: Different taste in music is ok. You know what they say…different strokes. I’m more concerned about the lack in knowledge about staples in pop culture like Ice Ice Baby. especially since the one-hit wonder who sings it has the name Ice IN HIS NAME. I bet if you did a little strip tease or gave him a lap dance to the song, he’d remember. If it goes deeper than just that song, I think he might need an intervention immediately if not sooner. Like strap his ass down and make him listen to imperative songs that make up the fabric of our culture and start with the 90s. (You might even need flashcards.) You know…gems like Baby Got Back by Sir Mix a Lot and Doin it by LL Cool J. Get that man up to speed to avoid any further embarrassment.
Q: Everyone always talks about work-life balance. You’re a working mom. How do you strike that balance?
A: Um, you don’t. Because work-life balance is bullshit. It’s a CYA term created by someone in an HR department somewhere to show sensitivity to working moms (and dads) everywhere. But it’s totally smoke and mirrors. I don’t have it at all and it’s a constant struggle and those who say it isn’t, either don’t really “work”, are in denial or are straight up mentirosas (that’s liar in spanish for all of you who did not grow up in South Florida listening to Power 96). If you are getting up in the morning, getting your kid to school with their teeth brushed and in mostly matching clothing with a lunch made and then getting to work yourself, then you are totally winning. If you’re able to get mascara on without looking like you had a stroke, then you are a baller. Just hang tough and realize we are ALL right there with you.
Q: My husband is great, but he does not help with the kids at all. I can’t get through to him. HELP!!!! I’m literally drowning in dirty sippy cups!!
A: If he’s not helping with the kids, is he really that great? I mean, he helped make them, the least he could do is wash an effing sippy cup. If you have legitimately talked to him and it’s not registering, try getting his attention by doing something that shows how you are literally about to lose your mind – like answering a banana like it’s a phone, or putting a shoe in the dishwasher. If he still can’t pick up on the subtlety of your cry for help, he’s either a moron or an asshole. And in that case….Here’s what I suggest…withhold sex. No co-parenting, no co-mingling.
Q: I cannot for the life of me get my kid to eat a vegetable. Not one. Any tips?
A: Oh I feel your pain completely. I hit rock bottom when I baked cupcakes with chickpeas in them and let my kid have like 4 before she was on to me and called me out. I wish I had good advice for you in this area, but to give any would make me a complete hypocrite. I’d say just keep casually leaving them on your child’s plate like it’s NBD and employ some bribery. If that doesn’t work….pour yourself some wine and keep drinking til the chicken nuggets look like green beans.
There you have it. No punches pulled and advice from a real, live, full-time working mom on the brink of insanity at any given moment.
Have a question? Shoot it over to Rachel@whine.paradoxmediadev.com and I promise I’ll keep it anonymous :)