Below is a list of things you should say to me if you want to make me batshit crazy, pet peeves if you will. Like nails on a chalkboard.
TGIF or Thank God It’s Friday assumes that Friday is starkly different than the rest of the days. People get so excited and the Facebook posts start to fly. Woop Woop, It’s Friiiidayyy. Oh wait….I’m a mom. So while I may not have to go to “work” for a couple of days, I still have a 5-yr old boss who rides the shit out of me all weekend until I am delirious and part of me is actually looking forward to Monday. Actually, I think I am going to start saying TGIM (Thank God It’s Monday) after I drop her off at school while I throw up my deuces, swap “Let it Go” for a little 2 Chainz and ride dirty out of the preschool parking lot. TGIM Bitches!
Just Get a Sitter:
I am a single full-time working mom. I have two kid-free days. I make it a point to NOT make adult plans not involving kids on nights I have my child, because I actually want to be with her. So that leaves two days to squeeze in boyfriend, friends, family, and maybe a brow wax, gym visit or solo shower (you have no idea what a hot commodity this is until you have children. I’d also take peeing solo). So when someone says to me on a night I have my child, “Just Get a Sitter!”, I want to punch them in the neck. Hard. Are you paying for my sitter? No, so STFU. Also, even though I’m exhausted and she can run me ragged, I want to bathe and put my own child to bed after reading her a story.
You Need to Calm Down (interchangeable with Take a Chill Pill and other like phrases):
You know what will NOT make me (or any woman) calm down when her buttons are pushed? Telling her to calm down. Especially if you are the one who pushed said buttons. It actually has the opposite effect – kind of like pouring jet fuel on a lightly crackling fire. How about you back up slowly and not rile me up? I hate this even more than I hate vanity plates on a car – and that’s a lot. See my Instagram account for proof.
You’ll Sleep When You’re Dead:
More like, if I don’t sleep you’re the one who’s gonna be dead.
You Look Exhausted (which translates to you look like shit):
Really? That’s so weird! It’s not like I did anything yesterday. Oh, well except have my eyes pried open at 6am by a five-year old, have an hour to get both of us dressed, ready, lunch packed, up and down the stairs about 15 times to get her milk – filled to the tippy top, sent back down because it wasn’t filled to the tippy top, make my breakfast, pick up the hula hoops and stuffed animals I tripped on, drop-off at school, work a full day, come home to a tired five-year old who needs to be bathed, fed, put to bed, try not to fall asleep so I can bang out a few miles on the treadmill after she’s asleep and maybe stuff some food in my face so I can shower and get to bed before it happens all over again. Under-eye concealer only does so much you know. I know I’m tired. I’m the first to admit it. But thanks for pointing it out Captain Obvious.
Can I be honest?:
Is that a serious question? No, I asked you a question to get your unadulterated opinion but what I REALLY want is for you to lie to me or sugar-coat it. That would be awesome, thanks. BTDubs, this would never happen in my circle of girlfriends, because as I’ve said in other posts, we are brutally honest with each other. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Working Hard or Hardly Working?:
You’re a douche.
Working for the Weekend:
Weird…I’m working for a paycheck.
She only has a fever of 99 and a runny nose, I’m just gonna send her to school:
I hate when asshole moms do this. Look, we have all sent a kid to school and had a sickness come on later in the day. Nothing you can do. But, if your kid has a fever of ANY sort, they should be home. Period. And I AM a working mom so I realize this is not ideal and have been in this situation. It’s just selfish. And you know who the worst offenders are?? The Boca moms who don’t work, have a nanny, and just can’t think of giving up their seat at FlyWheel. The same goes for knowingly sending your kids with lice, skin rashes and anything thing else you know will be contagious and set off a potential quarantine. Keep Patient Zero home. Please and thank you.
And while I’m on my rant…
You know what else is SUPER annoying? Know-it-all-moms. Ugh they are the worst. I do not pretend to know everything about parenthood, I have made my fair share of mistakes and I’m sure that will continue. I do the best I can, share my advice when I’m asked, and am definitely passionate about some things more than others. But I have encountered some moms who make me want to walk around with a ball-gag and duct tape in my purse. You know the ones I’m talking about…
- Would feed their child to a hungry bear before allowing them to touch or eat anything non-organic as if they are going to spontaneously combust from eating a Cheez-It.
- Think their way of doing everything is the best way.
- Swear their child was communicating in sign language at a month old and will be completing a dissertation by his first birthday.
- Would NEVER think of allowing their kids to eat a french fry – unless it was a faux fry made out of zucchini or quinoa.
- Claim they have never lost it or raised their voice to their child.
- Douse their child in Purell every five minutes from head to toe.
- Thinks it’s ok to change a diaper in the middle of a restaurant. (I’ve seen this with my own eyes…more than once).
This is by no means an exhaustive list, hence the Part 1. Look forward to more rants and feel free to contribute. It’s cheaper than therapy.