Cleansing in the New Year, Not Ringing it in!

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diet

So, I just ordered a 1-day juice cleanse.

I tried it once before from a different brand and it was hell. If you’ve studied up on my blog you will realize that I am in love with food. Not shitty food. Good food. And for a really long time I was kicking ass with my eating habits. Tons of self-control, lots of high protein, low-fat options, and working out 5 days a week either running or at the actual gym saving the splurging for the weekends and eating without abandon. And then, I just got lax. Maybe I’m just tired and don’t want to think about food prep/choices, maybe it’s being in a healthy relationship where we both have healthy appetites and love to eat. But whatever it is has made my pants noticeably tighter and it’s not ok with me.

And, in the interest of full disclosure, like I said, this is not my first rodeo in terms of a juice cleanse. Last time was a disaster. This is how it went down.

Juice 1: This is great! I am going to feel so fantastic after today I can hardly wait.

Juice 2: This isn’t so bad. I can totally do this.

Juice 3: Jesus Christ! I can’t do this. I need something of substance, anything. (Yes, it escalated that quickly. )

Juice 4: I feel like I’m on Survivor. This is what it must feel like to starve to death. Is that a mirage? Am I hallucinating? This tastes like shit. Nobody come near me. I am like a ravenous beast and I might eat your face. Save yourselves!

Juice 5 and 6 did not happen. I quit, came home and ate a giant bowl of pasta. And it was effing delicious.

Basically, I failed miserably.

skinny

It’s eerily similar to the time I tried the Special K diet. You know, the one where you eat 2 bowls of Special K and then a sensible dinner? Yeah, after bowl 1, I was dunzo. As the Costco-sized packs of Special K went stale it became a faint memory.

I also had a stint with Sensa. I sprinkled that white anthrax-looking powder on EVERYTHING.

I also have this same initial excitement turned boredom with exercise equipment and wearable miracle products. That “navy seal-inspired” perfect push up thingy? Yup have it. The pants made out of wetsuit material that promise you’ll have as ass like Gisele Bundschen? Yep! (Speaking of, I should find those – they will go great with my new beginnings juice cleanse!) It’s a safe bet that if there’s an infomercial for any diet-related product that shows dramatic before and afters, I’m going to want it…good lord it’s my weakness.

But, I am not a quitter (well, maybe I am when it comes to this stuff, but I really don’t want to be) and I just feel like a need a mini-detox to get this party started. (I also have at least two pairs of never worn AG jeans that are taunting me in my closet and I’ll be damned if I am returning them. I don’t do the muffin top look so they are staying put until I can get my ass into them, comfortably.

One of the downsides of being petit (that’s a nice way of saying abnormally small, can fit into junior’s sizes but don’t want to wear crop tops and shop amongst tweens and skinny girls who have never birthed a child but regular sized woman clothes don’t seem to fit right) is that if you gain a couple of pounds you can see it pretty quickly. There’s nowhere for it to hide. Their favorite place to go is to my ass and thighs – #jewishgirlproblems.

I’m not a good “dieter” but I am a SUCKER for quick fixes or anything non-surgical that promises even a dose of skinny. Currently in my purse I have Garcinia Cambogia, Green Tea Extract and Raspberry Ketones. I’m like an arsenal of non-hardcore diet drugs. If Let’s Make a Deal had a diet episode, I would own that shit. I have all kinds of teas and supplements peeking out of different corners of my medicine cabinets. What I’m trying to say is that I’m crazy.

I was getting my regular manicure last week and a person who I could not figure out the gender of, was walking around hocking non-invasive liposuction procedures. So, one of my manitherapists called it over to give the spiel (mostly so she could mess with me and make me uncomfortable as I had to sit there and listen to something I know I am not going to do). It went something like this:

“So basically you decide the area you want to focus on and I use a laser to break up the fat cells over an hour session, you pee them out over the following three days, and viola you are down a few inches.”

This most appealing pitch was followed by her feeling me up so she could get a lay of the land. For a split second, I had a momentary lapse of insanity and thought, “Maybe I should try it! It’s non-invasive!” which was immediately followed by me thinking, “Don’t you even think about it…that is sooooooo Boca AND you just bought a house and are poor and the last thing you need to do is spend $200/session (or 3 for $500) so you can pee out thigh fat.”

So, that’s where the juice cleanse came in. It’s a kickstart to get me back on track and hopefully I can make it without mistaking any of my co-workers arms for a sandwich.

I guess it’s normal to have these urges around this time of year although I’ve never really been a gung-ho New Years Eve gal.

I spent NYE in toddler-sized fairy wings and a plastic tiara with my child, snuggled on the couch watching Beethoven. And it was perfect. My 92-year old grandmother on the other hand, whooped it up until 3am in the casino with her neighbors. True story. Oh, and they got there at 5pm. And she only lost 14 dollars. We could all learn something from this woman.

Anyway, the thought of being surrounded by drunk people and paying $150 for a filet mignon that was $40 just hours before annoys the shit out of me.

Coincidentally, my mother shares the same notion about drunk people, but ALL year long, not just on NYE. The other night I had this text convo with Bob:

text 1

text 2

The drunkies eventually gave up looking and got into a taxi. I asked my mom about it and she said, “You’re damn right I wasn’t going to tell them! Why? So they can get behind the wheel and kill someone! I did a mitzvah!”

Can’t really argue with that logic.

Anyway, wish me luck on my juice cleanse. I was all set to do it tomorrow, but Silver Lining Sobel wants to go to our fave mexican place for dinner tonight so I’m mentally rescheduling for Tuesday because I have to eat my awesome Italian left overs for lunch tomorrow (priorities). If I don’t post again soon it’s probably because I died of starvation.

Happy New Year!

 

 

 

 

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