NEW Yo! Momma: Navigating the Co-Sleeping Trap

Who’s ready for another collabo with my boys over at Daddy Mind Tricks!?!?

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Welcome to our monthly joint venture we like to call, Yo! Momma. We open up the mailbag to answer the questions from our most faithful readers and bring definitive resolution in the age-old battle of the sexes.

We do so in the only way we know how: with zero filter and 100-percent brutal honesty.

In our last edition, we took on the topic of contributing more around the house and how to avoid looking like a bumbling, stumbling, moronic father figure that a TV sitcom would proudly feature.

In the latest edition collaboration of the best parenting bloggers on the Internet, we’re discussing the idea of co-sleeping and how it can wreak havoc on a couple’s opportunities to enjoy a little sexy time.

You ask. We attempt to answer … and then Rachel from Whine & Cheez(Its) drops some knowledge on your ass to provide the feminine point of view that we all truly need in our lives.

Welcome to another edition of … Yo! Momma.

My wife is all about the co-sleeping with our 13-month old and I’m ready to resume irregularly sexy time stuff. How the hell do I get the kid out of our bed so I can finally have some fun with wifey?

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Pete: Welp, this sounds like the perfect chance to get a little creative outside of the bedroom, if you ask me. We don’t have to hit the time machine on sex life and travel back to the days of missionary position only pleasure under the lights before retreating back to our separate beds after an evening of the Donna Reed Show.

Not having enough sex in your own bed at night because your kid is in the way? Turn up the heat on some daytime fun whenever you can get the chance. Hire a babysitter and get it on in a Burger King bathroom like Humpty (Shock-G) from Digital Underground. Ship the kid off to family member for a night. Get a hotel and fuck like rabbits all over some freshened towels.

My point: don’t be afraid to find some creativity in the game of romance.

Now, that being said, why the hell is your toddler still sleeping in your bed and not in his or her own? Handle that. Perhaps a romp or two in your kitchen while the kid is watching Sesame Street in the other room will help unload some stress and provide clarity into how to get this little one doing 10-12 hours nightly in another bed.

Putting first things first, though – have a conference with wifey, get on the same page about the sleep training situation and get out of the hell that is co-sleeping with a toddler … before your little general can no longer stand tall and proud.

Rachel: First of all – back the fuck up. Chances are she’s not co-sleeping because she enjoys that hot furnace of a baby body all up on her, with sporadic kicks to the gut, arms across her face and a general disrespect for personal space. She’s basically at her “personal touch” limit.

Navigating the ever-changing sleeping patterns of an infant/toddler (among all of the other shit) is no joke and can make you feel like you’re taking crazy pills and hallucinating from sleep deprivation. She’s also probably bombarded by those passive-aggressive “sanctimommies” on the regular, about how their little angel was sleeping alone, through the night at 6 days old. That’s always super fun.

Bottom line? She’s fucking exhausted and tending to a child in those first few years leaves little time for rest, and yes even regular sexcapades. She wants to have sex with you, I promise (unless you’re a raging asshole). She’s just trying to figure it all out. Maybe instead of making her feel like all you want is to boot the kid from the bed so you can knock some boots, show some compassion.

Ask her what you can do to help with the transition. Offer to take another feeding. Do things proactively … sink filled with bottles? Clean it. Running low on diapers? Grab them at the store. Show her you are all about the co-parenting thing and that she has a partner, not just a sex-deprived spouse.

Nothing is more of a panty dropper than a partner who’s understanding AND all-in and hands-on with the kid stuff. It will happen. I promise.

Now it’s YOUR turn. Do you have some more questions for our crackpot team of experts? Drop us a line in the comments section, or hit us up on email at DaddyMindTricks [at] gmail.com and maybe we’ll feature your question in the next edition of Yo! Momma.

Yo! Momma: I Want To Do More Around The House

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Hi, my name is Rachel and I am super Type A and have a hard time relinquishing control of mundane household and kid-related activities…

So when my brothers from another mother, Pete & Mark from Daddy Mind Tricks tackled THIS reader question…I was ALL over it!

Check out the latest installment of Yo! Momma, about pitching in around the house.

Oh, and got a question you want to submit to get the he said/she said take? Send it our way (see info at the end of the post to submit).

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Welcome to our monthly joint venture we like to call, Yo! Momma. We open up the mailbag to answer the questions from our most faithful readers and bring definitive resolution in the age-old battle of the sexes.

We do so in the only way we know how: with zero filter and 100-percent brutal honesty.

Last time, we took on the topic of sensitive boobs and how to navigate around a perennially sore subject.

In the latest edition collaboration of the best parenting bloggers on the Internet, we’re discussing the tactful approach for men to get more involved around the house, even when wifey isn’t too keen on the concept.

You ask. We attempt to answer … and then Rachel from Whine & Cheez(Its) drops some knowledge on your ass to provide the feminine point of view that we all truly need in our lives.

Welcome to another edition of … Yo! Momma.

Mommy wants to get everything done around the house and won’t let me chip in to help  – admittedly, I’m awful at just about everything outside of boiling water, so I need her to Yoda me. But, I want to have a bigger role, so how do I respectfully tell her that I’m game for more stuff without hurting any feelings or getting in the way?

Pete: Okay, my dude. Time to play a little tough love. You’re going to have to suck it up, put the big boy pants on and learn how to get some shit done around the house – at least learn how to cook a damn meal because that’s some ridiculous shit.

I do applaud that you recognize this flaw in the gameplan and would like to call an audible here to get more involved. Here’s a three-step plan for success that will help ease the transition from bumbling dude to super dad.

First, time to have a chat with wifey. Teammates gotta talk to one another. LeBron James and Kyrie Irving communicate to each other in practice, on the sideline and most definitely on the court. Let your partner know that you want to contribute some more and that you are going to try to improve. Maybe offer to start small and take over a task here or there – like boiling some water to make some pasta at least once a week to cook some dinner.

Second, probably time to learn how to get some things done around the house. Ask wifey to show you some of the smaller things to establish the trust. In all likelihood she’d love to have some assistance in the day-to-day, but just gets caught up in getting it done herself because it’s easier than having to teach someone else and go through the growing pains. Be sure to reinforce that it’s okay if it doesn’t come out totally her way, as long as the kids survive, the house doesn’t burn down, and everyone still has their sanity.

Lastly, read more of this website. Starting with our New Rules to Fatherhood. Take that shit to heart and be ready to step up to the plate to be a fucking father worth crushing the competition by this time next year. Hell, make it part of your New Year’s Goals to find some measurable traits where you can improve.

Your wife will thank you.

Rachel: Wait, did you write this about me?!?! Because this is a real struggle of a Type-A chick. We want to do everything a specific way and can be a royal pain in the ass (guilty). It’s really not that we don’t WANT help from you, it’s just a little challenging to relinquish control after growing a tiny human in your uterus and then pushing it out. Since we did that part totally by ourselves, I think there’s this weird thing that happens that makes us feel nobody could possibly do things the way we would or want to. Yes it’s crazy unrealistic and a little dumb, but it happens.

I think the fact that you even want to have a bigger role and are not just sitting scratching your balls while she’s pumping, or nursing, or washing bottles, etc, is HUGE. When it’s time to feed or bathe the kid, don’t “ask”, just say…”Babe, let me give her a bath and you go sit down for a while.” Or if she’s REALLY a control freak (guilty), tweak it to, “Babe, I want to do bathtime with you…let me help.”

Sure, the first couple of times, she may shoot you down. But if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Eventually, she will take you up on it. The worst thing you can do is to just give up and get laser focused on fantasy football while the black circles under her eyes grow to epic proportions. I promise that once she sees you pitch it (and do it well), she’ll let that, “I’m just going to do everything” schtick a rest and be happy to have you on board.

Now it’s YOUR turn. Do you have some more questions for our crackpot team of experts? Drop us a line in the comments section, or hit us up on email at DaddyMindTricks [at] gmail.com and maybe we’ll feature your question in the next edition of Yo! Momma.

That Time 2 Jewish Hoodrats Fell In Love & Birthed a Really REAL Podcast

I met this chick (over the phone) although we do share many mutual friends, so I suppose we were bound to meet one day. We kibitzed on the phone, first about potential work stuff…but there were sparks.

So we agreed to meet for dinner.

Well, let me tell you that after 7 minutes into our lady date, we were spilling shit about our lives like we knew each other for decades. It was love a first sight I think.

We started texting immediately like a pre-pubescent teenage couple telling each other how much we liked each other. Then we had some PDA on social media, declaring our love for all the world to see.

Then she says four words that seriously took our relationship to the next level.

“Let’s Record a Podcast.”

And like a giddy school girl, I was like “Yes! I do!” Well that’s not entirely true…it was more like “Fuck yeah, let’s record a podcast!”

And so with my computer and the generosity of one of her contacts allowing us to use his recording studio, we met just “to test” the logistics. But instead, we accidentally (and organically) recorded our first episode of, The Keep It Real Moms!

Yup! Two self-proclaimed (somewhat) recovered hoodrats with pasts filled with giant hoop earrings, brown lipstick and mavi jeans, found their way to each other. Because, Kismet.

We decided we were done with the unicorn-laced bullshit other moms pretend go on in their lives and wanted to revel in our crazy, chaotic, happy, sad, complicated, perfectly imperfect trials and tribulations of marriage, motherhood and everything in between.

So….here it is. Our first baby together in what’s sure to be a long-standing “marriage” of sorts.

Nothing is off-limits and we promise to Keep it Real.

LISTEN HERE >>> http://bit.ly/2fikbpP

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Word to your mutha.

Let’s Talk About Sex…

Particularly what happens to sex after you have children.

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On our latest episode of The Parental Advisory Podcast, We’re going there.

We are tackling everything – from porn, to sex rooms, to scheduled sex, to quiet sex and everything else (between the sheets).

Just head over to our iTunes page and look for Episode 4. And if you haven’t checked out the first three installments, today is a GREAT day to binge listen.

Direct Link HERE>>> bit.ly/iTunesPAP

xx,

Rachel

 

 

 

Introducing…The Parental Advisory Podcast (Insert Applause)

It’s finally here!! The news we have been sitting on, literally for months. We would have launched this endeavor sooner but with three parents living in three different states having kids with incessant fevers, snotty episodes and other parenting shit…we had some full plates over here.

 

You have probably witnessed the little social media lovefests between Daddy Mind Tricks and Whine & Cheez(its), but you need to know that our love is strong and real. Even more real than JoJo and Jordan.

 

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So we decided to take our relationship to the next level….PODCASTING!!

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That’s right! We are effing thrilled to announce the official podcast that is the brainchild of our two brands – The Parental Advisory Podcast.

 

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(TO GOT STRAIGHT TO THE ITUNES LINK CLICK HERE)

Shit. Just. Got. Real.

Here’s what you can expect:

Sarcasm

Raw parenting anecdotes

Busting each other’s balls

Cursing

Crossing boundaries

Honesty

Cursing

Hilarity

Entertainment

Cursing

 

Each episode will have the three of us discussing timely parenting topics – but REALLY discussing them. Not providing canned, politically correct soundbites. This isn’t The Effing View. Sometimes we will agree, sometimes we will not. But one thing you can always count on – we will ALWAYS be real as shit.

 

Please check out our first few episodes, share the hell out of them, review them wherever you listen and stay tuned for more. You can even put some money in our swear jar if you really want to help some bloggers out and be part of our efforts for world (or at least blogosphere) domination.

 

Thank you to all of our supporters and we hope you like what you hear!

 

Rachel, Pete & Mark

My Husband is NOT My Best Friend – New for The Huffington Post

So I have a confession…my husband is not my best friend. And we are both totally cool with it.

Read all about it in today’s article for The Huffington Post!

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Yo! Momma: The “I Don’t Want To Talk About It” Edition

You know when a lady says, “I don’t want to talk about it”….and her husband/boyfriend/girlfriend and even her dog break into a sweat because they know that’s bad?

Yeah…that’t the question we are exploring on this week’s Yo! Momma, with my fave daddy bloggers, my work husbands from DaddyMindTricks.

Get reading on our his and hers perspectives.

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When women drop that go-to phrase declaring they “don’t want to talk about it,” be careful my fellow mortals of the male variety. This is one of the most loaded scenarios you’ll ever encounter.

You’re about to step into a potential maelstrom of epic proportions.

There are several trapdoor scenarios in which ambiguous communication methods from our female counterparts force us simple-minded men into making quick decisions that carry heavy consequences. These usually involve questions of weight, sex or perhaps even ghosts of a lover’s past.

Side note: If you don’t already know, the answer is always, “No, you are not fat,” and it must be delivered with impeccable timing as to not provide one Iota of doubt.

Once again, we’ve opened up the mailbag again to answer the questions from our most faithful readers for our monthly feature that brings definitive resolution in the age-old battle of the sexes. We do so in the only way we know how: with zero filter and 100-percent brutal honesty.

Last month, we took on the idea of getting back in the sack after baby mama gives birth, and how to (gently, kindly and cautiously) convince your significant other to drop a few excess pounds. This month, it’s about this little game of duality that pops up in our exchanges with members of the opposite sex.

In the latest edition collaboration of the best parenting bloggers on the Internet, we’re tackling the idea of communication – or lack thereof – and how to avoid the sneak attack that could have you pinned down harder than Rebel Forces on Endor.

You ask. We attempt to answer … and then Rachel from Whine & Cheez(Its) drops some knowledge on your ass to provide the feminine point of view that we all truly need in our lives.

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Welcome to another edition of … Yo! Momma.

When women say they “I don’t want to talk about it,” they really want to talk about it, huh? What do I do with that?

– Greg, New York

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Pete: “I don’t want to talk about it,” is a shitstorm that you must carefully navigate, my friend. You must approach this with a steady hand and cool demeanor, or the whole place goes up in smoke faster than a backstage room at a Method Man concert. Poke the bear a little too much, and she’ll likely explode on your dumbass on a nuclear level that makes Chernobyl look like a bad day at the beach. Don’t inquire enough and she assumes that you don’t care about whatever it is that’s truly troubling her and you earn the cold shoulder treatment for the foreseeable future. Best way out of this … calmly and coolly ask for clarification if she’s really not into talking about it. And then, if and when she actually does want to talk about (newsflash: she will eventually want to talk about it) … actually fucking listen and don’t be so hard-headed; you may learn something along the way.

 

Rachel: I know … we can be major pains in the asses. I’ll own it. There are two kinds of “don’t want to talk about it.” The one where we REALLY don’t want to talk about it. And the one that means we do, but are so pissed off we are torturing you a little. I know it can be confusing because they are really similar. And it’s scary for you because if you make a mistake and treat it like the wrong instance … it could be baaaaad. It’s like cutting the wrong wire to diffuse a bomb. Here’s what I would say. If I pulled the whole “I don’t want to talk about it” with my husband (which is rare because I like to talk about everything until I’m over it), best case scenario would be for him to gently call me out a little and say something like, “Okay, do you REALLY want to drop it and have me just leave you alone or do you want to get into it … because I will do whatever makes you happiest.”

 

Now it’s YOUR turn. Do you have some more questions for our crackpot team of experts? Drop us a line in the comments section, or hit us up on email at DaddyMindTricks [at] gmail.com and maybe we’ll feature your question in the next edition of Yo! Momma.

 

 

 

Yo! Momma: When is sex after pregnancy OK? You ask. We answer.

If you haven’t heard about my work husbands yet (yes I have two), you are really missing the boat. I’m in a polygamist work marriage with two daddy bloggers that just get me…and I them. We have some really exciting stuff in the works but in the meantime, to keep you entertained, we’re dropping a new regular feature called, “Yo Momma”.

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The guys will pose questions and then answer them to the best of their daddy knowledge, and then momma (that’s me) is going to swoop in and do her thing.

Please check out the first installment below and also check out their blog, DaddyMindTricks. They are the Rob to my Base and I promise you’ll love it!!

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We know a lot here at DaddyMindTricks, from health to gaming to drinking, we’ve pretty much got the whole How to the an Awesome Dad thing on lock. But even well­ schooled totally­ cultured and distinguished gentlemen cannot pretend to have all of the answers to all of the questions that this crazy world has to offer.

That’s why we’ve brought in some help from our favorite wine­ guzzling, curse ­word ­spewing, Biggie/Tupac­ listening Mommy Blogger to help sort out some of the most fucked up shit that our readers write in to ask. If you are afraid to chat to your own wife, girlfriend, partner, paramour about it, have no fear because Rachel from Whine & Cheez(Its) is here to drop some knowledge bombs on your ass.

When Rachel and DaddyMindTricks first formed a team like Raekwon and Ghostface Killah on a dope Wu­Tang joint, we pulled no punches on this whole truthiness about parenting in the 21st Century. Read all about that here: Great Expectations (in Fatherhood).

In a feature that has been long overdue, we’ve joined forces yet again. In what could be a colossal mistake, we’ve decided to open up the vault into the minds of our most passionate fans in the potential beginning of the end … or at least the beginning a regular feature that promises to be Dear Abby with much more inappropriateness and straight up real talk.

You ask. We attempt to answer. And then Rachel provides the feminine point of view that we all truly need in our lives. Welcome to … Yo! Momma.

After a few weeks of the post­ pregnancy moratorium on our sex lives, we finally have the green­light to get it on again, but my wife isn’t back on birth control yet. What kind of condoms do you recommend for “her pleasure?”

– Daniel, Missouri

Pete: Dude. Are you really even ready to go back to the scene of the crime? Hopefully you weren’t dumb enough to peek at the business end of the delivery, because we’ve warned you before about how much of a straight up murder scene it is down there. But hey, I get it, too. Men definitely have that primal urge to get back on the saddle sooner rather than later. So, if you are ready to revisit the extracurriculars in the bed and enjoy some of that sex after pregnancy fun, open up the line of communication, chat with the baby mama about her fears and concerns and take it slow. As for the condoms, let’s just go ahead and bust your bubble that no one needs the extra-large Magnum XL variety, so just stop with that pipe dream, Ron Jeremy. Instead, make sure you find one that has some extra bells and whistles for her … and even more importantly, lube. The hormones involved with pushing watermelons out of spaces the size of grapes takes a toll on that region and some additional assistance in the lubrication may be preferred. At the end of the day, though, kudos to you for thinking that you actually have the time and energy to get it on again in between the newborn diaper changes and feedings.

Rachel: First of all, slow your roll. Your wife just created a human and then either squeezed it out of an insanely small space or was gutted like a fish to take it out by force, protected only by a barely opaque surgical “curtain” all while wearing an ugly shower cap, no makeup and having a million hands up in her business. And then you brought the screaming bundle of joy home and she became a human cow or master bottle barista, to feed a kid who never seems to get full. She hardly has time to shower, she put hemorrhoid cream on her toothbrush instead of Crest and didn’t even notice the taste because she’s so sleep deprived and she basically can’t tell if it’s night or day. She now judges time by how many bottles are left in the fridge and how many diapers the baby has been through. So yeah, condoms and your sexual needs are the last thing on her mind. Her body is still kind of reeling from the trauma of carrying and birthing a child and that shit takes time to snap back (screw you if you were back in a bikini 5 minutes later btdubs). I mean she just evicted a baby from her womb and she’s entitled to keep that door shut no matter what timeline the doctor gives. So be compassionate, and tell her what a badass she is and how you are in awe of her as a mother and offer to let her sleep in … because that’s the shit that will eventually get you laid.

My wife is still carrying a little holiday weight, and it’s almost summertime. How do softly and gently nudge her to workout a little more often?

– Craig, Vancouver

Pete: Yeah, so first thing’s first is to stand up right now. Stand up straight and tall and proud. And then go ahead and tilt your neck down and look towards the floor. If you’ve got a gut protruding out from the midsection area that is blocking the ability to see your junk or even your toes … shut the fuck up and hit the weights yourself, homie (you know, that whole stones and glass houses thing). Now, if you’ve got that body like The Rock and you need to get the wife looking more like J­Lo, then try putting some of the onus on yourself, as well. Nothing works better than working as a team. Suggest some ways for both of you to get active. Find some ways to encourage more healthy meal prep as a couple – make it a cute little date night. If you can work together on this, you’ll be more likely to stick to your routine and to eventually reach your goal.

Rachel: Can I get an amen for the FIRST part of Pete’s answer? If you want to keep your manhood in tact, back off. She knows she’s carrying extra weight … trust me. And while I am all for honest communication, this is a slippery slope. If she brings it up, that’s one thing … and your first response should be, “you are perfect” followed by …”what can I do to support you?” If she suggests date night at the gym, or hiring a personal trainer to get her ass in gear, or wants to take a spin class while you’re on dad duty a couple nights a week, do it. I’m wired differently, so if my husband suggested we meal prep “for fun” I’d be irrationally mad and tell him, you know what else you can do “for fun”? Sleep on the couch. I know it may seem unfair because we want you to read our minds, but the reality is, we want you to want to have sex with us no matter how big our love handles are. So make her feel sexy and desired and loved … unconditionally and she’ll get there.

Now it’s YOUR turn. Do you have some more questions for our crackpot team of experts?

Drop us a line in the comments section, or hit us up on email at DaddyMindTricks [at]gmail.com and maybe we’ll feature your question in the next edition of Yo! Momma.

Boom goes the dynamite.

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C*&kblocked by a Chihuahua

Like many couples, we celebrated Valentine’s Day with a dinner out. We went a little early to beat the crowds, avoid the hoopla and be back home early enough to climb into bed and watch Shameless. The makings of a perfect Valentine’s Day…for us.

The universe however, had different plans.

Perhaps some of the mishaps at dinner could have been viewed as foreshadowing, but we were enjoying the company of our friends who joined us too much to care. I mean, there were enough red flags to send anyone’s radar up.

We went to a newish steakhouse/fondue place that has been getting good reviews so we were optimistic (I give it a year tops before it closes). But after we waited like 10-15 mins for our table (with a reservation) in an EMPTY restaurant, things started to snowball and fast. Here’s a brief highlight reel.

*Ordered a bottle of wine listed on the menu. “Sorry we don’t have it. Only by the glass tonight.”

“But if you have it by the glass can’t we just buy the bottle?”

“We only have 2 glasses left but I can offer you this bottle (note: more than double the          bottle we asked for).

“Forget it…we’ll just take the two glasses.”

* Ordered cheese fondue that literally looked as if it was the leftover uneaten portion from another table. Then the burner went out which made the already measly portion congeal.

*We got our meal 20 mins before our friends and didn’t eat it because we’re not assholes. On top of that, it was cold when it arrived at the table. So that had to go back and we finally got sloppy plates back 20 mins after our friends got their meal. Gordon Ramsay would have been PISSED!

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*Then another burner on our friend’s fondue went out leaving their food soaking in a vat of cold broth.

There were a handful of other mishaps but I just can’t keep going. It was frustrating to say the least but I will say the manager did the right thing and profusely apologized, comped part of the meal and gave us dessert. However, we will not be back.

So we head home feeling a little ahead of the game that we didn’t overpay for a mediocre dinner shrouded in a shitty experience.

And then walk in to one of our two dogs (the Chihuahua) greeting us with a giant red balloon looking situation on his undercarriage. It was like the Franks & Beans scene from Something About Mary.

franks and beans

Jason immediately Googles “My chihuahua’s penis is swollen like a balloon, what do i do? (I love the interwebs). And apparently based on the search results, this is a thing. Most common advice given was to ice it.

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ICE ICE BABY

So we did, while Jason called the vet who told us to come in ASAP before it got worse. All I could think was, it could get worse?!?!

Thankfully it was empty so we got seen right away, but here’s the thing about emergency vets. They really know how to eff you. They took him in back and told us it would be a pretty easy fix. We were there for a looooonnnng time though.

The doc comes out and starts to give us a detailed account of how she used KY Jelly and pain meds to “manually manipulate his penis back into place”. I was dry heaving and feeling the mediocre fondue come up. (We  surmised that he had his own plans for valentine’s day and most likely humped his bed so hard he broke his penis.)

She then utters, “Did you notice he has a hernia?” and starts poking around his tush showing us where there is “most likely impacted bowel” and other things that we need to spend money on “right away”. (BTW, the dog is healthy, functional and fine, but both times Jason has taken the dogs to this particular vet they list a million things that are wrong and possible diseases they have. It’s unreal.)

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WHAT’S MORE ROMANTIC THAN SPENDING VALENTINE’S EVE FILLING OUT CONSENT FORMS TO HAVE YOUR PUP’S PENIS PUT BACK IN PLACE?

Finally we get to the front desk to check out and the tech says, “That will be $250”

“What?$?$? Two fifty for a doggie handy? We could have gotten him 10 at the nondescript “massage” (read: happy ending) place down the street on Federal Highway.

She proceeds to read us the breakdown of the bill.

$100 for the visit (fine)

$40 for the lube (it’s a Chihuahua penis! I’m pretty sure $40 worth of lube in one shot is not even possible on a human penis.)

$40 for the injection to help with pain/numbing (so he didn’t even get to enjoy the happy ending he received?)

$30ish for the dextrose that apparently helps the swelling to get it back in (guys, that’s basically sugar. Next time his junk will be shoved in a bag of sugar at home that costs $3.99)

$30ish for the pin-sized dot of antibiotic ointment (FML)

Oh and $12 for the cone of shame (You really couldn’t throw in that piece of shit cone after the $40 you upcharged us for puppy penis lube?)

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CONE OF SHAME

And if I had to hear the woman at check out say “penis” one more time I was going to lose it. I am done talking about it. Can we please just leave???

We were finally home in bed a little after midnight and couldn’t even stay up to watch Shameless.

And that my friends is how we got cockblocked by a chihuahua on Valentine’s Day

 

 

REAL advice for a Happy Marriage

It’s Valentine’s Day weekend (aka the time of year when 90% of dating couples get engaged).

I thought it appropriate to ponder the question of what makes a happy marriage. And with any big question in life, I turn to the people I love and respect most. My family.

You should know (and probably already do if you are a regular reader) that my family is…a little different. We’re not buttoned up, reserved and quiet. We are quite the opposite. Loud, opinionated, intrusive (in the most loving way possible) and effing hilarious.

We are also all VERY different from one another. Kind of like snowflakes. Really awesome and dysfunctional snowflakes.

I put out a call to action to my family and MOST sent me vids in hours. Those of you who didn’t are assholes and cut out of the will when I make it big. The direction I gave was to be real and skip the cliche bullshit, like “never go to bed angry.” Because you know what? I think it’s normal and healthy to maybe go to bed just a little pissed off sometimes. We are all human and a genuine apology the morning after is better than a forced one before your head hits the pillow just because we’ve been trained to think that way.

So, without further adieu, here is advice from my family on how to have a happy marriage!

  1. These are my cousins Nadine and Jared. They are THE couple from my post, My Big Fat Brooklyn Dumbo Loft Wedding. They are “newlyweds” so to speak, and offer a fresh (and fizzy) perspective on the matter.

Nadine and Jared advice from Rachel Sobel on Vimeo.

2. These are my cousins Karyn and Jeff. Karyn was my older female cousin in a sea of male beast cousins who tortured the shit out of me growing up for their own amusement. I idolized her but now she looks up to me….literally, because she’s the only adult in my family I am taller than and I’m just over 5ft tall.

 

Karyn and Jeff advice from Rachel Sobel on Vimeo.

3. Next up are my cousins Gary and Alison. Gary actually did two vids and they were both so great and SO him, that I had to use both. Bless your heart Alison!

Alison advice from Rachel Sobel on Vimeo.

Gary advice from Rachel Sobel on Vimeo.

Gary more advice from Rachel Sobel on Vimeo.

4. Pay attention to this next couple because they’ve been married for 50 years! My Aunt Sharon (my mother’s middle sister and also Gary’s mother) and Uncle Tony started dating in high school. My mom was 8 when they started courting and literally used to go on dates with them, frequently sitting in between them at the drive through. Talk about the original cockblocker.

Aunt Sharon’s advice from Rachel Sobel on Vimeo.

Uncle Tony’s advice from Rachel Sobel on Vimeo.

5. And of course it wouldn’t be a family video round-up without my parents. This blog is filled with my mother’s antics. For good reason. She and Bob, or as my child dubbed him, Paca, because she couldn’t say Grandpa, were high school sweethearts. They reconnected after they both divorced and have been married for a decade already. Time flies when you are having fun!

Bob’s advice from Rachel Sobel on Vimeo.

Mom advice from Rachel Sobel on Vimeo.

P.S. I’m already failing one of my mom’s cardinal rules, because this is what my husband is currently looking at and I can assure you it is NOT fly. It’s downright unfly. But the coconut oil in my hair makes it pretty and the mask on my face diminishes wrinkles. I turn 39 next weekend and am trying desperately not to look like it.

unfly

6. And lasties not leasties, some advice from me and Jason aka SLS. This is a second marriage for both of us and we are also newlyweds, celebrating our first year of wedded bliss this coming April.

So there you have it. Some gems from my family to yours!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Rachel and Jason advice from Rachel Sobel on Vimeo.