Like many couples, we celebrated Valentine’s Day with a dinner out. We went a little early to beat the crowds, avoid the hoopla and be back home early enough to climb into bed and watch Shameless. The makings of a perfect Valentine’s Day…for us.

The universe however, had different plans.

Perhaps some of the mishaps at dinner could have been viewed as foreshadowing, but we were enjoying the company of our friends who joined us too much to care. I mean, there were enough red flags to send anyone’s radar up.

We went to a newish steakhouse/fondue place that has been getting good reviews so we were optimistic (I give it a year tops before it closes). But after we waited like 10-15 mins for our table (with a reservation) in an EMPTY restaurant, things started to snowball and fast. Here’s a brief highlight reel.

*Ordered a bottle of wine listed on the menu. “Sorry we don’t have it. Only by the glass tonight.”

“But if you have it by the glass can’t we just buy the bottle?”

“We only have 2 glasses left but I can offer you this bottle (note: more than double the          bottle we asked for).

“Forget it…we’ll just take the two glasses.”

* Ordered cheese fondue that literally looked as if it was the leftover uneaten portion from another table. Then the burner went out which made the already measly portion congeal.

*We got our meal 20 mins before our friends and didn’t eat it because we’re not assholes. On top of that, it was cold when it arrived at the table. So that had to go back and we finally got sloppy plates back 20 mins after our friends got their meal. Gordon Ramsay would have been PISSED!


*Then another burner on our friend’s fondue went out leaving their food soaking in a vat of cold broth.

There were a handful of other mishaps but I just can’t keep going. It was frustrating to say the least but I will say the manager did the right thing and profusely apologized, comped part of the meal and gave us dessert. However, we will not be back.

So we head home feeling a little ahead of the game that we didn’t overpay for a mediocre dinner shrouded in a shitty experience.

And then walk in to one of our two dogs (the Chihuahua) greeting us with a giant red balloon looking situation on his undercarriage. It was like the Franks & Beans scene from Something About Mary.

franks and beans

Jason immediately Googles “My chihuahua’s penis is swollen like a balloon, what do i do? (I love the interwebs). And apparently based on the search results, this is a thing. Most common advice given was to ice it.



So we did, while Jason called the vet who told us to come in ASAP before it got worse. All I could think was, it could get worse?!?!

Thankfully it was empty so we got seen right away, but here’s the thing about emergency vets. They really know how to eff you. They took him in back and told us it would be a pretty easy fix. We were there for a looooonnnng time though.

The doc comes out and starts to give us a detailed account of how she used KY Jelly and pain meds to “manually manipulate his penis back into place”. I was dry heaving and feeling the mediocre fondue come up. (We  surmised that he had his own plans for valentine’s day and most likely humped his bed so hard he broke his penis.)

She then utters, “Did you notice he has a hernia?” and starts poking around his tush showing us where there is “most likely impacted bowel” and other things that we need to spend money on “right away”. (BTW, the dog is healthy, functional and fine, but both times Jason has taken the dogs to this particular vet they list a million things that are wrong and possible diseases they have. It’s unreal.)



Finally we get to the front desk to check out and the tech says, “That will be $250”

“What?$?$? Two fifty for a doggie handy? We could have gotten him 10 at the nondescript “massage” (read: happy ending) place down the street on Federal Highway.

She proceeds to read us the breakdown of the bill.

$100 for the visit (fine)

$40 for the lube (it’s a Chihuahua penis! I’m pretty sure $40 worth of lube in one shot is not even possible on a human penis.)

$40 for the injection to help with pain/numbing (so he didn’t even get to enjoy the happy ending he received?)

$30ish for the dextrose that apparently helps the swelling to get it back in (guys, that’s basically sugar. Next time his junk will be shoved in a bag of sugar at home that costs $3.99)

$30ish for the pin-sized dot of antibiotic ointment (FML)

Oh and $12 for the cone of shame (You really couldn’t throw in that piece of shit cone after the $40 you upcharged us for puppy penis lube?)



And if I had to hear the woman at check out say “penis” one more time I was going to lose it. I am done talking about it. Can we please just leave???

We were finally home in bed a little after midnight and couldn’t even stay up to watch Shameless.

And that my friends is how we got cockblocked by a chihuahua on Valentine’s Day