I LOVE Groupon. Like a lot. I buy everything from Garcinia Cambogia to restaurant deals to iPhone accessories. But let’s be real – it’s really an arsenal of vibrators, unlimited exercise classes and laser hair removal (full disclosure I’ve purchased that last one too. Sorry not sorry). It’s only a matter of time before they start offering divorce services, gastric bypass and live animals…or babies.
So over the past week or so, as part of my regular Groupon browsing…I made note of some of the more ridiculous things on there. Kind of piggybacking off my Father’s Day Gift idea round-up.
Be prepared to be equal parts amused and disturbed. I’ll try to ease you into it.
1) Ear Wax Removal Kit
This is probably the most tame of the items in the weird file, but I just can’t help but picture it going down. Do you do it yourself? Does someone help you? And what do you do with the wax? I get grossed out SUPER quick and I can only guess that people who might get excited about this contraption are the same ones sharing gross pimple popping videos on Facebook (seriously guys, cut that shit out, nobody wants to see it).
2) Vulcan Vibrator
Because when I think torrid sexual encounters that may involve a kinky sex toy, I totally think of Vulcans. I don’t even understand the main description. What the eff does “ripe mouth” mean? This thing freaks me the eff out.
3) Penis Pump
Do people REALLY do this?!?! And furthermore, this one is specifically for “beginners” according to the details. So there are different levels? Is there such thing as a Penis Pumping Pro?
4) Barbaric Bidet
Here’s my issue with this one. It’s not the bidet I have a problem with, but THAT’S the best picture they could conjure up? That thing looks painful, like you’d need to pre-dose with Advil before use. Why so aggressive? I mean seriously, that stream is so strong it looks like there’s smoke at the end of it.
5) Butt Boosters
So ladies, we have options! You can go with (back)door number one (see what I did there?) and walk around with a remote control zapping yourself skinny all day (that would make for some awesome boardroom meetings); or, you can go with something non-techie like what’s behind door number 2.
Butt (see what I did again?), I’d pay to see a real person try on the thing in the second picture instead of someone who already HAS a perfect butt. Because I’m willing to bet I’d look like a sausage coming out of its casing.
6) A SHEnis
Guys. Seriously?!?! If I was with any of my girlfriends and they whipped this out, I’d lose my marbles. Is this what we’ve come to? We can’t just squat like a normal person in an emergency situation, now we need a SHEnis? And then you are supposed to walk around with a urine covered piece of plastic when you’re done? If you would ever consider this, we cannot be friends.
7) Therapy
It’s not the offer that’s weird here, I just think the picture is hilarious. Stereotypical shrink’s couch pose. She literally can’t even.
8) Obligatory Crotch Shots
Again, not the offer. Bikini waxes run rampant on Groupon. There are more waxing offers on Groupon than Affliction shirts at a UFC fight. My question is this…is this a stock photo or did they literally hire a vagina model? I know hand models are a thing, so do other models have niches they capitalize on? And what makes a good vagina model?
9) How to Injure Your Dog in Less than 5 Minutes
What if you hit a bump and take air? What if something goes awry and it gets stuck? What if it snaps? This CANNOT be a good idea. That’s all.
10) Hannibal Lecter Snoring Contraption
First of all, I’m not a snorer. Heavy breather, sometimes, but snoring just isn’t my jam. So, if I was already being kept awake by a snorer, this would NOT help the situation. Because I would literally be up taking a gazillion pictures of them sleeping in this doozy. And the fact that the description says, “comfortable neoprene strap” is bananas. But the thing that I am most floored by is that more than ONE THOUSAND people bought this!
There ya have it. Top 10 weirdest things currently on Groupon. Happy Shopping!
