Where do I even begin?
They are like (evil) magic. As a matter of fact, their creator is an evil genius.
I cannot begin to tell you the impact they have had on my life. It all started in my early 30s. Pre-baby, but post-20s (where everything is no longer super perky and stays where it should). I wore my inaugural pair to a wedding under a SUUUUPPPER tight dress and I was hooked. It’s an abusive relationship really, if you think about it. I do careful and strategic choreography (like the viral vid going around right now of the asian guy who puts on pants without using his hands) to get them over my ass and torso. I’m like an effing contortionist shimmying into this modern-day corset. Like a Houdini in heels! I imagine that it’s a similar feeling to being squeezed to death by a boa constrictor.
I don’t wear them often. Maybe to an occasional wedding, bar mitzvah, you know…a special occasion where I want to look exceptionally skinny.
And just like that, the time came this week for me to dig them out of my drawer where I hide them because I hate them (love them…hate/love them…one of the most complicated relationships in my life).
I was trying on a dress for a work-related event and when I looked in the mirror, my body subtly reminded me that while I may be petit, there are some things that just happen to your body post-baby and you need to bring in the reinforcements. In other words, you need to throw some Spanx on that shit. So, I make a mental note to bring them to work so I can try on the dress with them. Obviously, I needed an unbiased opinion so I rallied a couple of co-workers. Now, let me tell you that these co-workers are 10+ years younger than me and would probably be carded and turned away if they tried to buy a pair of Spanx.
Young, cute, girl who has never seen the aftermath of harvesting a child in her womb and does not have as much as a dimple on her ass: “Excuse me, I’d like to buy these Spanx. I heard they’re awesome!”
Sales Associate: “I’m sorry sweetie, these are only for women over the age of 35 and especially those who have had children. NO SPANX FOR YOU! (a la Seinfeld Soup Nazi).
So, we’re huddled in the bathroom and I say, “Ok, I’m gonna try them on with the light Spanx and then the heavy duty ones to see which are better.”
“There are more than one kind, Rachel?!?!?”, say the younglings.
“Oh, yes my children. Sometimes you need to look like you just had lipo and sometimes you need to look like you are on the heels of a 10 day juice cleanse. Either way…skinny you will be!”
They had so many questions. Does it hurt? Can you sit? Can you breathe? Can you eat? Yes, Sometimes, No, Absolutely Not!
The answers were easy and rolled off my tongue with ease, because I am a veteran.
I’m like the fucking Yoda of Spanx.
I think there needs to be an honest warning label on these suckers and I wanna write it. Here’s what it would say.
Congratulations on purchasing the most useful yet torturous undergarment you will ever own. Be prepared to love your silhouette and be amazed at the difference once you put it on. There are some side effects we want to warn you about, and before you think you fall into the 2% of people who won’t be affected (like in pharma ads), get real. Here we go.
Spanx may cause:
- Loss of appetite (because if you eat so much as a peanut you might explode)
- Poor circulation (because they are obscenely tight)
- Numbness or loss of feeling in your legs (see above)
- Inability to sit (see above)
- Rapid drunkenness (because you can fit alcohol but with no food in your stomach you’re screwed and go from tipsy to college drunk in 11 minutes)
- Memory loss (solely tied to the fact that you do NOT in fact have washboard abs and a tight ass as they are just an illusion which you are promptly reminded of the minute you remove said Spanx)
Disclaimer: In addition, we cannot be held liable if you wear these in a casual dating situation and your suitor feels duped. We suggest waiting until you are in a few months before busting out the Spanx. It’s best for all parties.
So after the little Spanxisode in the bathroom, I think I sufficiently scared the shit out of two young gals and the havoc a child would wreak on their bodies. Free birth control I suppose. You’re welcome.
Speaking of babies, they also make them for pregnant gals. And yes I had them for a couple of special occasions. Why? Because before you have a true baby bump, you just look like you just binged on Pasta and cookie dough and that DOES not look good in a cocktail dress. And before you get to the phase where you have that baby bump and love it, you feel awkward and gross when you have to get all glamified.
And guys, before you get all smug…did you know they make Spanx for men?
That’s right! You too can suck it in in all the right places.
I’m just kidding. Don’t. It’s not ok and we will judge you. Double Standard I know but whatever, I’d say we’re allowed one with all the ones you have against us.