I have never taken a hit of acid, but I imagine it feels comparable to what I felt when I watch the 2015 MTV VMAs last night.
No, seriously….what the eff happened?!? I found myself horrified more than entertained and THAT made me ask myself:
Am I just not cool anymore or am I just old?
And my daughter is still young enough that I wouldn’t have her watching this, but I have plenty of friends with kids a little older who probably are and I can’t even BEGIN to imagine the bevy of uncomfortable conversations you are having this morning!
I’m a pretty liberal chick. It takes A LOT to rattle me. So in my heart I really think it must be the latter. Which is crazy.
So, I compiled a list of the top 10 VMA moments that made me feel like a total nana, as told in pics/gifs, because words just don’t do most of it justice. You have to see it to understand.
- Miley’s Wardrobe…or lack there of
I. Just. Can’t. Every time I thought she couldn’t up the slut factor, it happened. I mean, why even bother wearing clothes when you’re already a stiff wind away from seeing your labia.
I mean, the clothing basically made me momentarily forget about her behavior with Robin Thicke and the Chuck E Cheese rat!
2. Mackelmore’s Downtown Performance
Dude, that whole little opening you did is called West Side Story and you murdered it. I couldn’t even tell if your partner in crime, Ryan Lewis, was trying to be serious or not. I mean, did he have painted on freckles? He looked like Raggedy Ann! It was like Mick Jagger and Freddie Mercury had a baby.
3. So. Much. Squatting.
Seriously, what was with the constant need to drop it likes it’s hot?? Demi Lovato and Iggy Azalea did it, Nikki Minaj did it. It’s an epidemic!
And please, PLEASE look at the chick’s face up front.
She has officially seen more than Nikki Minaj’s gyno. She’s horrified and scarred for the rest of her life. She can’t unsee that. And for the record, Taylor didn’t “Scrub da Ground”! She stayed upright the whole time and did just fine.
I guess at least Nikki Minaj is consistent following last year’s VMA performance.
That’s all. Just Kanye.
If Kanye runs for president, we are more effed than if Trump wins. Because there are morons that would actually vote for him. Kim Effing Kardashian would be the 1st lady. His speech gave me a migraine. I don’t even know what he was talking about, and clearly neither did he. Just shut up, Kanye! Make music and shut the eff up. And oh, BTDubs Mr. Fashion Mogul. How did you pick your outfit? You literally wore a tshirt and joggers hiked up like you were expecting a flood. And it was a shade similar to baby poop.
And don’t even get me started on Kim Kardashian. I know she’s pregnant, and having been pregnant myself I recognize that your body just takes over and sometimes people just blow up. But Yeezus Christ (see what I did there?), I did not think her ass could get any bigger. It’s alarming. And she could have picked something that would be more flattering, like maybe a darker color? SLS nailed it when he said she looked like a centaur.
5. Brit Brit was the most together person there.
Was THE most polished person on that stage last night – relatively speaking.
6. The Biebs is now a man.
Not necessarily a man who makes good decisions, but he’s not 12 anymore. And it makes me feel weird, because I’ll admit (and do not judge me when I am being vulnerable) when he’s on stage doing his thing, I find him adorable and MAAYYYBE even a little sexy. But when he’s just sitting in the audience, or talking, I think he’s a douche. And when he cried last night, I was like, C’mon Biebs…put your vagina away and get it together. You can’t follow seductive squatting with crying. It’s not a good flow. And keep your hat on – that hair swoop is reedick.
7. Since when is the word Fuck, allowed on non-HBO TV??
Did I miss a memo? I love me some Rebel Wilson. But how was she allowed to wear a shirt with the F-Bomb on TV?!?! How?
8. Nick Jonas and his sexy astronauts
What the eff is this? They look ridiculous. And if I was a dancer with a sick body, showing off my skills, I’d lose my shit if I had to wear a freaking space helmet! And why isn’t Nick Jonas carrying out the sexy astronaut theme? Is he above it?
9. Openly Discussing Pot on Regular TV
Discussions about pot do not rattle me in the slightest. Weeds is one of my all time favorite shows and I have a special place in my heart for Nancy Botwin. But…when there are several references in a show, on regular TV, that any child can see, that’s where I get uncomfortable. If Miley wasn’t talking about marijuana, or smoking it in a skit, or singing about it…Kanye was. And all I could picture, were my friends’ slightly older children saying, “What’s Marijuana, mommy? Why does Miley like it, do you like it? What’s she doing in the bedroom with those rappers who are having a sleepover?”
10. Sex acts with food…on TV
So let me get this straight. We can show the word FUCK emblazoned on a tshirt, have celebrities being a piece of dental floss away from naked, talk about drugs AND talk about sex acts with food…on TV??!?! Not just sexual innuendos, but actually say it…flat out.
Did I think Andy Samberg and Ike Barinholtz were hilarious! 100%. But for late night TV, not the VMAs. They fully had a back and forth about Miley instagramming her “blowing corn”. They said the word blowing. On the VMAs. Just tack that on to the uncomfortable pot conversation parents had with their kids on the way to school this morning.
I just can’t even believe what happened to the VMAs. To think that America almost lost its shit from the Britney/Madonna make out sesh – aka the French Kiss Heard Around the World.
That was tame compared to what it’s become. I wanna go back to when lady celebs pretended to be lesbians for 30 seconds for some ratings. Those were the good ol’ days!