I do love the holidays but what I love most is that Hanukkah is dunzo before Christmas even begins (most years at least) and so I can basically sit back and coast after mid-December. And as much as I make fun of my husband for being a hoarder (he totes is btw), I absolutely hoard Hanukkah presents and I’ll own it. I basically start shopping in July, mostly because it makes the money I spend less painful since it happens in smaller spurts. Also, my child is particular and likes what she likes, so as she starts yelling at TV commercials in between episodes of Dog with a Blog, I make a to-buy list.
“Mom, I want that!!!”
“MOMMMMMM, look at that, can I have it?”
Mommy, get in here, QUIIICCCKKKK, I need that!”
This year her bounty included the Shower Wow, an Adoptimal and a Blankie Tail.
The other benefit to early shopping is that she basically forgets what she asked for by the time the Mensch on the Bench shows up. Yep! We have him too and she is all about it. Even thinks he makes a pilgrimage from Israel every year to leave her notes and has not yet figured out that it’s my handwriting. God I love mommy magic and will cry my eyes out when it fades.
One of the things my daughter kept asking for was bangs. Begging, pleading. negotiating. I told her flat-out, No. I explained she had to trust me on this one. We have curly hair and bangs do not play well with a jew fro. They just don’t. It already takes me 15-20 minutes to give her the perfect ponytail she requests each morning for school. So throwing bangs into the mix is a recipe for disaster, plus it’s socially unacceptable to drink wine at 7:30am and I just can’t handle that type of stress.
But I had a plan.
I went to my local beauty supply store and dropped $25 on clip in bangs. Oh yes I did! I figured she would finally get to see what bangs were like, change her mind and it would be the best $25 bucks I ever spent to teach a very valuable lesson. We lit the menorah and I let her open them.
Well….my plan backfired. She LOVED them. She stared in the mirror and said she looked like Taylor Swift (she didn’t). She was awestruck and I was fighting back the kind of laughter that you can’t stop once it escapes your body. She looked like Peg Bundy meets Garth from Wayne’s World meets a cheesy lounge singer who sits legs crossed on a baby grand wearing a red sequin blazer.
She wore them all day, fell asleep in them and begged to wear them to school. I hesitantly agreed because the kid was on cloud 9, but I’ll admit I was nervous walking into the school.
It was awkward until she pulled them off her cute little head and everyone laughed (and breathed a simultaneous sigh of relief).
They remained in her backpack the rest of the day (no doubt because they caused a distraction in the classroom). I picture her teacher saying, “Can you please remove your toupee?”
I can’t in good conscience post a pic of her in the bangs (I need to save that shit for her Bat Mitzvah vid anyway), but here they are on our Chihuahua for context.
In addition to the residual fun of the bangs, my mom thought it would be a great idea to get her a fart machine (she loved it obviously). That’s just the kind of grandmother my mom is and exactly why my kid is obsessed with her. She also recently taught her how to make prank phone calls (to family only, so you can relax). So now, she calls my 93-yr-old grandmother and my aunts torturing them about chinese food or pizza they didn’t order. She cannot believe they are not on to her!
Another Hanukkah gem I purchased was the Pie Face game making the viral video rounds this holiday season. I ordered it with the vision of my mom (who doesn’t check the mail without her signature pink lipstick perfectly applied) getting nailed in the face with whipped cream. Well she did, Jason and I did, as did my 93-yr-old grandmother. She thought it was the greatest thing ever and if this isn’t her ticket to the The Ellen Show I just don’t know what else I have up my sleeve.
It was a banner Hanukkah. I don’t know how I am going to top Pie Face, a fart gun and a hairpiece, but July is basically around the corner! Oy!
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