Back in the day, a good night consisted of going to the cheesiest of clubs or bars, drinking watered down alcoholic beverages, wearing tube tops and mini skirts (or the obligatory tight black pants that every Jewish girl at the University of Florida owned) and dancing so hard to legit booty music that you were sweating profusely and ended up with a wet ponytail. All the damn time.
So when they announced the Legends of Old School Tour was coming to Boca, it was obvious we were gonna get tickets.
I mean come on, a night of nostalgia with Gucci Crew, Color Me Badd, 2 Live Crew, Stevie B, Salt n Peppa and Vanilla Ice…PLUS. DJ Laz (affectionately known as The Pimp with the Limp) on the turntables? If you grew up in South Florida in the 90s at all, then this was all part of your upbringing.
I’m gonna give you a quick and dirty low down on the night with a brief summary (not necessarily in order of appearance) of each act because I have to prep for my little kindergartener’s graduation tomorrow (which I won’t write about because we all know how that goes :). But here’s the overall theme of the night. The Legends of Old School ALL got OLD…which means I too am old. It was a GREAT night and hearing all of the music from my heyday was crazy awesome, but seriously, most of the performers look like they haven’t seen a treadmill in a decade.
Don’t believe me?
This is the main guy from Color me Badd. I think he might have eaten one of his band mates. IDK. And I don’t want to be mean but some of the notes (like most of them) were painful to listen to. Painful. Don’t get me wrong, I still sang EVERY word and enjoyed it but oy!!!
Gucci Crew came out and announced they were gonna drop something new and I was immediately annoyed and know i was not the only one! The name of the show is Legends of OLD SCHOOL. I don’t wanna hear your new shit. It was NOT good. But all was right in the world when they played Sally. Then they had the genius idea to close their set with machine gun sounds (that’s smart in a crowd…good job guys) and shot everyone in the audience with super soakers. I would have LOVED to be a fly on the wall during that brainstorming sesh.
Yo, you know what we should do?
Play machine gun sounds and shoot the crowd with super soakers at the same damn time. Get crunk son.
Ohhhhhhh yeah, that’s fresh kid, now pass the blunt.
Stevie B is a South Florida staple, mostly in roller skating rinks like Galaxy and the now closed Sunshine Skateway. You couldn’t get through a “Couples Skate Only” without hearing at least one of his gems. He was awesome and we even had a super fan among us who actually met him previously and had him sign her chest. She had pics to prove it and I coerced her to show them to a complete stranger spouting every lyric, to establish her dominance as the bigger fan. She did it and it worked.
I was most excited for 2 Live Crew. It doesn’t get raunchier than Uncle Luke so I was wondering how they were gonna pull it off since the concert venue was smack in the middle of a family friendly plaza. I mean even the clean versions of their songs are not “clean”. But they sang The Funk (that’s not the real word) Shop and Pop That Coochie (not the real word either). But that did NOT stop me from shaking what my mama gave me.
SLS has never seen ghetto Rachel. Guys, I think he might be even more in love with me.
He did look at me multiple times when the DJ was playing classics like Mami El Negro, Hoes in da House and Gotta Lotta Booty, which I knew every last word, and said, “Who are you??”
I was also shocked that he did not know 75% of the songs the DJ played. He grew up on Long Island and they did not blast Uncle Al on the radio apparently.
At the better end of the performances were Salt n Peppa. They were great. Pretty much sounded the same and still had the moves. They called for some male volunteers to come up and grind on them and within minutes were flanked by Boca’s finest (mostly white) men who have probably never grinded anything but their teeth at night.
It was a sight.
Vanilla Ice closed the show and it was hard to watch. He’s up there trying to be all gangsta, growling and wearing his hat all tipped in a thuggy way, then busts out with his song from the Ninja Turtles movie. Dude, nobody cares. We came to hear Ice Ice Baby and Ice Ice Baby only.
He plugged his DIY show (which I think might revoke any street cred) and started talking about how awesome it was to be in Mizner Park “as in Addison Mizner…if you guys know anything about real estate you know that Addison Mizner was a legend,” he said. “He’s my hero,” he continued. I mean, words like “legend” and “hero” are strong words that should not be thrown around loosely, Robert van Winkle. Use them wisely.
Then he calls up some YouTube guy who did a country-ish cover of it to sing Ice Ice Baby, but I was distracted by the guy behind me who passed out (prob from being too drunk and the Florida Heat). While I was obviously concerned about his well-being, the bigger distraction came when I was blinded by the glimpse I caught of his very white and blonde girlfriend’s gold grill while she was tending to him.
From start to finish it was prime people watching with a side of awesomely fun music that you can’t help but booty dance to (known as Twerking to today’s youth)
It really was quite the night and I totally achieved the sweaty mess, wet ponytail status at the end. Winning.