NEW Yo! Momma: Navigating the Co-Sleeping Trap

Who’s ready for another collabo with my boys over at Daddy Mind Tricks!?!?

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Welcome to our monthly joint venture we like to call, Yo! Momma. We open up the mailbag to answer the questions from our most faithful readers and bring definitive resolution in the age-old battle of the sexes.

We do so in the only way we know how: with zero filter and 100-percent brutal honesty.

In our last edition, we took on the topic of contributing more around the house and how to avoid looking like a bumbling, stumbling, moronic father figure that a TV sitcom would proudly feature.

In the latest edition collaboration of the best parenting bloggers on the Internet, we’re discussing the idea of co-sleeping and how it can wreak havoc on a couple’s opportunities to enjoy a little sexy time.

You ask. We attempt to answer … and then Rachel from Whine & Cheez(Its) drops some knowledge on your ass to provide the feminine point of view that we all truly need in our lives.

Welcome to another edition of … Yo! Momma.

My wife is all about the co-sleeping with our 13-month old and I’m ready to resume irregularly sexy time stuff. How the hell do I get the kid out of our bed so I can finally have some fun with wifey?

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Pete: Welp, this sounds like the perfect chance to get a little creative outside of the bedroom, if you ask me. We don’t have to hit the time machine on sex life and travel back to the days of missionary position only pleasure under the lights before retreating back to our separate beds after an evening of the Donna Reed Show.

Not having enough sex in your own bed at night because your kid is in the way? Turn up the heat on some daytime fun whenever you can get the chance. Hire a babysitter and get it on in a Burger King bathroom like Humpty (Shock-G) from Digital Underground. Ship the kid off to family member for a night. Get a hotel and fuck like rabbits all over some freshened towels.

My point: don’t be afraid to find some creativity in the game of romance.

Now, that being said, why the hell is your toddler still sleeping in your bed and not in his or her own? Handle that. Perhaps a romp or two in your kitchen while the kid is watching Sesame Street in the other room will help unload some stress and provide clarity into how to get this little one doing 10-12 hours nightly in another bed.

Putting first things first, though – have a conference with wifey, get on the same page about the sleep training situation and get out of the hell that is co-sleeping with a toddler … before your little general can no longer stand tall and proud.

Rachel: First of all – back the fuck up. Chances are she’s not co-sleeping because she enjoys that hot furnace of a baby body all up on her, with sporadic kicks to the gut, arms across her face and a general disrespect for personal space. She’s basically at her “personal touch” limit.

Navigating the ever-changing sleeping patterns of an infant/toddler (among all of the other shit) is no joke and can make you feel like you’re taking crazy pills and hallucinating from sleep deprivation. She’s also probably bombarded by those passive-aggressive “sanctimommies” on the regular, about how their little angel was sleeping alone, through the night at 6 days old. That’s always super fun.

Bottom line? She’s fucking exhausted and tending to a child in those first few years leaves little time for rest, and yes even regular sexcapades. She wants to have sex with you, I promise (unless you’re a raging asshole). She’s just trying to figure it all out. Maybe instead of making her feel like all you want is to boot the kid from the bed so you can knock some boots, show some compassion.

Ask her what you can do to help with the transition. Offer to take another feeding. Do things proactively … sink filled with bottles? Clean it. Running low on diapers? Grab them at the store. Show her you are all about the co-parenting thing and that she has a partner, not just a sex-deprived spouse.

Nothing is more of a panty dropper than a partner who’s understanding AND all-in and hands-on with the kid stuff. It will happen. I promise.

Now it’s YOUR turn. Do you have some more questions for our crackpot team of experts? Drop us a line in the comments section, or hit us up on email at DaddyMindTricks [at] gmail.com and maybe we’ll feature your question in the next edition of Yo! Momma.

Yo! Momma: I Want To Do More Around The House

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Hi, my name is Rachel and I am super Type A and have a hard time relinquishing control of mundane household and kid-related activities…

So when my brothers from another mother, Pete & Mark from Daddy Mind Tricks tackled THIS reader question…I was ALL over it!

Check out the latest installment of Yo! Momma, about pitching in around the house.

Oh, and got a question you want to submit to get the he said/she said take? Send it our way (see info at the end of the post to submit).

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Welcome to our monthly joint venture we like to call, Yo! Momma. We open up the mailbag to answer the questions from our most faithful readers and bring definitive resolution in the age-old battle of the sexes.

We do so in the only way we know how: with zero filter and 100-percent brutal honesty.

Last time, we took on the topic of sensitive boobs and how to navigate around a perennially sore subject.

In the latest edition collaboration of the best parenting bloggers on the Internet, we’re discussing the tactful approach for men to get more involved around the house, even when wifey isn’t too keen on the concept.

You ask. We attempt to answer … and then Rachel from Whine & Cheez(Its) drops some knowledge on your ass to provide the feminine point of view that we all truly need in our lives.

Welcome to another edition of … Yo! Momma.

Mommy wants to get everything done around the house and won’t let me chip in to help  – admittedly, I’m awful at just about everything outside of boiling water, so I need her to Yoda me. But, I want to have a bigger role, so how do I respectfully tell her that I’m game for more stuff without hurting any feelings or getting in the way?

Pete: Okay, my dude. Time to play a little tough love. You’re going to have to suck it up, put the big boy pants on and learn how to get some shit done around the house – at least learn how to cook a damn meal because that’s some ridiculous shit.

I do applaud that you recognize this flaw in the gameplan and would like to call an audible here to get more involved. Here’s a three-step plan for success that will help ease the transition from bumbling dude to super dad.

First, time to have a chat with wifey. Teammates gotta talk to one another. LeBron James and Kyrie Irving communicate to each other in practice, on the sideline and most definitely on the court. Let your partner know that you want to contribute some more and that you are going to try to improve. Maybe offer to start small and take over a task here or there – like boiling some water to make some pasta at least once a week to cook some dinner.

Second, probably time to learn how to get some things done around the house. Ask wifey to show you some of the smaller things to establish the trust. In all likelihood she’d love to have some assistance in the day-to-day, but just gets caught up in getting it done herself because it’s easier than having to teach someone else and go through the growing pains. Be sure to reinforce that it’s okay if it doesn’t come out totally her way, as long as the kids survive, the house doesn’t burn down, and everyone still has their sanity.

Lastly, read more of this website. Starting with our New Rules to Fatherhood. Take that shit to heart and be ready to step up to the plate to be a fucking father worth crushing the competition by this time next year. Hell, make it part of your New Year’s Goals to find some measurable traits where you can improve.

Your wife will thank you.

Rachel: Wait, did you write this about me?!?! Because this is a real struggle of a Type-A chick. We want to do everything a specific way and can be a royal pain in the ass (guilty). It’s really not that we don’t WANT help from you, it’s just a little challenging to relinquish control after growing a tiny human in your uterus and then pushing it out. Since we did that part totally by ourselves, I think there’s this weird thing that happens that makes us feel nobody could possibly do things the way we would or want to. Yes it’s crazy unrealistic and a little dumb, but it happens.

I think the fact that you even want to have a bigger role and are not just sitting scratching your balls while she’s pumping, or nursing, or washing bottles, etc, is HUGE. When it’s time to feed or bathe the kid, don’t “ask”, just say…”Babe, let me give her a bath and you go sit down for a while.” Or if she’s REALLY a control freak (guilty), tweak it to, “Babe, I want to do bathtime with you…let me help.”

Sure, the first couple of times, she may shoot you down. But if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Eventually, she will take you up on it. The worst thing you can do is to just give up and get laser focused on fantasy football while the black circles under her eyes grow to epic proportions. I promise that once she sees you pitch it (and do it well), she’ll let that, “I’m just going to do everything” schtick a rest and be happy to have you on board.

Now it’s YOUR turn. Do you have some more questions for our crackpot team of experts? Drop us a line in the comments section, or hit us up on email at DaddyMindTricks [at] gmail.com and maybe we’ll feature your question in the next edition of Yo! Momma.

Yo! Momma: Don’t Touch My Boobs!

This edition of Yo!Momma, with my blog besties, Daddy Mind Tricks, is all about boobs.

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Welcome to our monthly joint venture we like to call, Yo! Momma. We open up the mailbag to answer the questions from our most faithful readers and bring definitive resolution in the age-old battle of the sexes.

 

We do so in the only way we know how: with zero filter and 100-percent brutal honesty.  

 

Last month, we took on the little game of communication duality that pops up in our exchanges with members of the opposite sex – basically, it was all about what to do when she says “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

 

In the latest edition collaboration of the best parenting bloggers on the Internet, we’re talking about boobs. Yes. Boobs.

 

You ask. We attempt to answer … and then Rachel from Whine & Cheez(Its) drops some knowledge on your ass to provide the feminine point of view that we all truly need in our lives.

 

Welcome to another edition of … Yo! Momma.

 

Why does my wife say her boobs are too sensitive for me to touch? Did the kid break them?

– Mike, Omaha

 

Pete: Breastfeeding is no joke. Next to the whole pushing of a human being out of a small orifice thing, being solely responsible for the regular sustenance of your baby is likely the toughest thing your wife is ever gonna do, Mike. I get it, though. You are ready to get back down to full business underneath the sheets. Sexy time with wifey is missing some of its most valuable players. Give it time. Well, unless you are a freaky dude and get into some weird shit with breastmilk. That’s on you, bro. But most of us aren’t and would rather wait it out for a few weeks.  Shortly after the milk truck is closed up for good, the orbs will return to normal. Until the mounds of awesome make their triumphant return, find some other ways to have to some fun with the lesser-known erogenous zones. Don’t know what those are? Well, that’s another Yo! Momma topic on its own.

 

Rachel: If by broken you mean 9 months of hard time served by a baby in her uterus, followed by the agony of said baby latching on to her nipples several times a day with an irrationally strong sense of suction for such a little thing, followed by hooking herself up to a machine that sucks her boobs into giant funnels to keep her milk supply game strong…then yes, they are most certainly broken. While I do not have balls of my own, I would imagine the sensitivity issues you have with those is somewhat comparable. And we have so many hormones running through our bodies, post baby that there’s no telling when those things will be back in play. So just be conscious and if she says hands off….it’s hands off. They’ll be back (maybe different after breastfeeding…you’ve been warned), so just be patient.

 

Now it’s YOUR turn. Do you have some more questions for our crackpot team of experts? Drop us a line in the comments section, or hit us up on email at DaddyMindTricks [at] gmail.com and maybe we’ll feature your question in the next edition of Yo! Momma.

 

Yo! Momma: The “I Don’t Want To Talk About It” Edition

You know when a lady says, “I don’t want to talk about it”….and her husband/boyfriend/girlfriend and even her dog break into a sweat because they know that’s bad?

Yeah…that’t the question we are exploring on this week’s Yo! Momma, with my fave daddy bloggers, my work husbands from DaddyMindTricks.

Get reading on our his and hers perspectives.

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When women drop that go-to phrase declaring they “don’t want to talk about it,” be careful my fellow mortals of the male variety. This is one of the most loaded scenarios you’ll ever encounter.

You’re about to step into a potential maelstrom of epic proportions.

There are several trapdoor scenarios in which ambiguous communication methods from our female counterparts force us simple-minded men into making quick decisions that carry heavy consequences. These usually involve questions of weight, sex or perhaps even ghosts of a lover’s past.

Side note: If you don’t already know, the answer is always, “No, you are not fat,” and it must be delivered with impeccable timing as to not provide one Iota of doubt.

Once again, we’ve opened up the mailbag again to answer the questions from our most faithful readers for our monthly feature that brings definitive resolution in the age-old battle of the sexes. We do so in the only way we know how: with zero filter and 100-percent brutal honesty.

Last month, we took on the idea of getting back in the sack after baby mama gives birth, and how to (gently, kindly and cautiously) convince your significant other to drop a few excess pounds. This month, it’s about this little game of duality that pops up in our exchanges with members of the opposite sex.

In the latest edition collaboration of the best parenting bloggers on the Internet, we’re tackling the idea of communication – or lack thereof – and how to avoid the sneak attack that could have you pinned down harder than Rebel Forces on Endor.

You ask. We attempt to answer … and then Rachel from Whine & Cheez(Its) drops some knowledge on your ass to provide the feminine point of view that we all truly need in our lives.

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Welcome to another edition of … Yo! Momma.

When women say they “I don’t want to talk about it,” they really want to talk about it, huh? What do I do with that?

– Greg, New York

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Pete: “I don’t want to talk about it,” is a shitstorm that you must carefully navigate, my friend. You must approach this with a steady hand and cool demeanor, or the whole place goes up in smoke faster than a backstage room at a Method Man concert. Poke the bear a little too much, and she’ll likely explode on your dumbass on a nuclear level that makes Chernobyl look like a bad day at the beach. Don’t inquire enough and she assumes that you don’t care about whatever it is that’s truly troubling her and you earn the cold shoulder treatment for the foreseeable future. Best way out of this … calmly and coolly ask for clarification if she’s really not into talking about it. And then, if and when she actually does want to talk about (newsflash: she will eventually want to talk about it) … actually fucking listen and don’t be so hard-headed; you may learn something along the way.

 

Rachel: I know … we can be major pains in the asses. I’ll own it. There are two kinds of “don’t want to talk about it.” The one where we REALLY don’t want to talk about it. And the one that means we do, but are so pissed off we are torturing you a little. I know it can be confusing because they are really similar. And it’s scary for you because if you make a mistake and treat it like the wrong instance … it could be baaaaad. It’s like cutting the wrong wire to diffuse a bomb. Here’s what I would say. If I pulled the whole “I don’t want to talk about it” with my husband (which is rare because I like to talk about everything until I’m over it), best case scenario would be for him to gently call me out a little and say something like, “Okay, do you REALLY want to drop it and have me just leave you alone or do you want to get into it … because I will do whatever makes you happiest.”

 

Now it’s YOUR turn. Do you have some more questions for our crackpot team of experts? Drop us a line in the comments section, or hit us up on email at DaddyMindTricks [at] gmail.com and maybe we’ll feature your question in the next edition of Yo! Momma.

 

 

 

Yo! Momma: When is sex after pregnancy OK? You ask. We answer.

If you haven’t heard about my work husbands yet (yes I have two), you are really missing the boat. I’m in a polygamist work marriage with two daddy bloggers that just get me…and I them. We have some really exciting stuff in the works but in the meantime, to keep you entertained, we’re dropping a new regular feature called, “Yo Momma”.

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The guys will pose questions and then answer them to the best of their daddy knowledge, and then momma (that’s me) is going to swoop in and do her thing.

Please check out the first installment below and also check out their blog, DaddyMindTricks. They are the Rob to my Base and I promise you’ll love it!!

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We know a lot here at DaddyMindTricks, from health to gaming to drinking, we’ve pretty much got the whole How to the an Awesome Dad thing on lock. But even well­ schooled totally­ cultured and distinguished gentlemen cannot pretend to have all of the answers to all of the questions that this crazy world has to offer.

That’s why we’ve brought in some help from our favorite wine­ guzzling, curse ­word ­spewing, Biggie/Tupac­ listening Mommy Blogger to help sort out some of the most fucked up shit that our readers write in to ask. If you are afraid to chat to your own wife, girlfriend, partner, paramour about it, have no fear because Rachel from Whine & Cheez(Its) is here to drop some knowledge bombs on your ass.

When Rachel and DaddyMindTricks first formed a team like Raekwon and Ghostface Killah on a dope Wu­Tang joint, we pulled no punches on this whole truthiness about parenting in the 21st Century. Read all about that here: Great Expectations (in Fatherhood).

In a feature that has been long overdue, we’ve joined forces yet again. In what could be a colossal mistake, we’ve decided to open up the vault into the minds of our most passionate fans in the potential beginning of the end … or at least the beginning a regular feature that promises to be Dear Abby with much more inappropriateness and straight up real talk.

You ask. We attempt to answer. And then Rachel provides the feminine point of view that we all truly need in our lives. Welcome to … Yo! Momma.

After a few weeks of the post­ pregnancy moratorium on our sex lives, we finally have the green­light to get it on again, but my wife isn’t back on birth control yet. What kind of condoms do you recommend for “her pleasure?”

– Daniel, Missouri

Pete: Dude. Are you really even ready to go back to the scene of the crime? Hopefully you weren’t dumb enough to peek at the business end of the delivery, because we’ve warned you before about how much of a straight up murder scene it is down there. But hey, I get it, too. Men definitely have that primal urge to get back on the saddle sooner rather than later. So, if you are ready to revisit the extracurriculars in the bed and enjoy some of that sex after pregnancy fun, open up the line of communication, chat with the baby mama about her fears and concerns and take it slow. As for the condoms, let’s just go ahead and bust your bubble that no one needs the extra-large Magnum XL variety, so just stop with that pipe dream, Ron Jeremy. Instead, make sure you find one that has some extra bells and whistles for her … and even more importantly, lube. The hormones involved with pushing watermelons out of spaces the size of grapes takes a toll on that region and some additional assistance in the lubrication may be preferred. At the end of the day, though, kudos to you for thinking that you actually have the time and energy to get it on again in between the newborn diaper changes and feedings.

Rachel: First of all, slow your roll. Your wife just created a human and then either squeezed it out of an insanely small space or was gutted like a fish to take it out by force, protected only by a barely opaque surgical “curtain” all while wearing an ugly shower cap, no makeup and having a million hands up in her business. And then you brought the screaming bundle of joy home and she became a human cow or master bottle barista, to feed a kid who never seems to get full. She hardly has time to shower, she put hemorrhoid cream on her toothbrush instead of Crest and didn’t even notice the taste because she’s so sleep deprived and she basically can’t tell if it’s night or day. She now judges time by how many bottles are left in the fridge and how many diapers the baby has been through. So yeah, condoms and your sexual needs are the last thing on her mind. Her body is still kind of reeling from the trauma of carrying and birthing a child and that shit takes time to snap back (screw you if you were back in a bikini 5 minutes later btdubs). I mean she just evicted a baby from her womb and she’s entitled to keep that door shut no matter what timeline the doctor gives. So be compassionate, and tell her what a badass she is and how you are in awe of her as a mother and offer to let her sleep in … because that’s the shit that will eventually get you laid.

My wife is still carrying a little holiday weight, and it’s almost summertime. How do softly and gently nudge her to workout a little more often?

– Craig, Vancouver

Pete: Yeah, so first thing’s first is to stand up right now. Stand up straight and tall and proud. And then go ahead and tilt your neck down and look towards the floor. If you’ve got a gut protruding out from the midsection area that is blocking the ability to see your junk or even your toes … shut the fuck up and hit the weights yourself, homie (you know, that whole stones and glass houses thing). Now, if you’ve got that body like The Rock and you need to get the wife looking more like J­Lo, then try putting some of the onus on yourself, as well. Nothing works better than working as a team. Suggest some ways for both of you to get active. Find some ways to encourage more healthy meal prep as a couple – make it a cute little date night. If you can work together on this, you’ll be more likely to stick to your routine and to eventually reach your goal.

Rachel: Can I get an amen for the FIRST part of Pete’s answer? If you want to keep your manhood in tact, back off. She knows she’s carrying extra weight … trust me. And while I am all for honest communication, this is a slippery slope. If she brings it up, that’s one thing … and your first response should be, “you are perfect” followed by …”what can I do to support you?” If she suggests date night at the gym, or hiring a personal trainer to get her ass in gear, or wants to take a spin class while you’re on dad duty a couple nights a week, do it. I’m wired differently, so if my husband suggested we meal prep “for fun” I’d be irrationally mad and tell him, you know what else you can do “for fun”? Sleep on the couch. I know it may seem unfair because we want you to read our minds, but the reality is, we want you to want to have sex with us no matter how big our love handles are. So make her feel sexy and desired and loved … unconditionally and she’ll get there.

Now it’s YOUR turn. Do you have some more questions for our crackpot team of experts?

Drop us a line in the comments section, or hit us up on email at DaddyMindTricks [at]gmail.com and maybe we’ll feature your question in the next edition of Yo! Momma.

Boom goes the dynamite.

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Asked and Answered – Volume 1

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I did a little social experiment a few posts ago. I asked W&C readers to submit questions about anything – dating after divorce, parenting, life, etc. and in return I would offer my pure, unadulterated, UNsugarcoated advice. In my core group of girlfriends I have been referred to as a “therapist” more than once so I figured, what the hell? (Disclaimer – like most people, especially women, I often do NOT take my own advice…but I should because I’m told it’s pretty solid.)

I’m no expert, my word is not gospel, BUT….I will be real. No bullshit. And probably a little bit sarcastic for entertainment purposes. So….without further adieu, I’m going to answer the few questions I received (seriously guys, you can do better, c’mon – send me your stuff!)

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Q: My husband and I have SUCH different tastes in music and I think it might be a problem. He’s also severely oblivious to things I consider common knowledge in the world of music…like who sings Ice Ice Baby. And no, I’m not kidding.

A: Different taste in music is ok. You know what they say…different strokes. I’m more concerned about the lack in knowledge about staples in pop culture like Ice Ice Baby. especially since the one-hit wonder who sings it has the name Ice IN HIS NAME. I bet if you did a little strip tease or gave him a lap dance to the song, he’d remember. If it goes deeper than just that song, I think he might need an intervention immediately if not sooner. Like strap his ass down and make him listen to imperative songs that make up the fabric of our culture and start with the 90s. (You might even need flashcards.) You know…gems like Baby Got Back by Sir Mix a Lot and Doin it by LL Cool J. Get that man up to speed to avoid any further embarrassment.

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Q: Everyone always talks about work-life balance. You’re a working mom. How do you strike that balance?

A: Um, you don’t. Because work-life balance is bullshit. It’s a CYA term created by someone in an HR department somewhere to show sensitivity to working moms (and dads) everywhere. But it’s totally smoke and mirrors. I don’t have it at all and it’s a constant struggle and those who say it isn’t, either don’t really “work”, are in denial or are straight up mentirosas (that’s liar in spanish for all of you who did not grow up in South Florida listening to Power 96). If you are getting up in the morning, getting your kid to school with their teeth brushed and in mostly matching clothing with a lunch made and then getting to work yourself, then you are totally winning. If you’re able to get mascara on without looking like you had a stroke, then you are a baller. Just hang tough and realize we are ALL right there with you.

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Q: My husband is great, but he does not help with the kids at all. I can’t get through to him. HELP!!!! I’m literally drowning in dirty sippy cups!!

A: If he’s not helping with the kids, is he really that great? I mean, he helped make them, the least he could do is wash an effing sippy cup. If you have legitimately talked to him and it’s not registering, try getting his attention by doing something that shows how you are literally about to lose your mind – like answering a banana like it’s a phone, or putting a shoe in the dishwasher. If he still can’t pick up on the subtlety of your cry for help, he’s either a moron or an asshole. And in that case….Here’s what I suggest…withhold sex. No co-parenting, no co-mingling.

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Q: I cannot for the life of me get my kid to eat a vegetable. Not one. Any tips?

A: Oh I feel your pain completely. I hit rock bottom when I baked cupcakes with chickpeas in them and let my kid have like 4 before she was on to me and called me out. I wish I had good advice for you in this area, but to give any would make me a complete hypocrite. I’d say just keep casually leaving them on your child’s plate like it’s NBD and employ some bribery. If that doesn’t work….pour yourself some wine and keep drinking til the chicken nuggets look like green beans.

There you have it. No punches pulled and advice from a real, live, full-time working mom on the brink of insanity at any given moment.

Have a question? Shoot it over to Rachel@whineandcheezits.com and I promise I’ll keep it anonymous 🙂

 

 

 

Asked and Answered – Coming Soon But I Need Your Help!

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After some nudging, I’m adding a new feature to the blog called Asked and Answered.

I’ve been told I give some solid advice. Mostly because I don’t bullshit or sugar coat. I’m the friend that tells you every gross thing that happens to your body from pregnancy up to and including childbirth. Not the one who tells you it’s all roses and rainbows and in the end you easily pop out a perfect looking cherub.

So….send me your questions about stuff I have experience in – divorce, dating in your late 30s, parenthood, jewish mothers, etc. And I promise to give you REAL advice, not Dear Abby shit.

Have a good question? Email me at rachel@whineandcheezits.com. You can remain anonymous or have the limelight. Your call.

I’ll answer em’ as they come in!

GO!!!