NEW Yo! Momma: Navigating the Co-Sleeping Trap

Who’s ready for another collabo with my boys over at Daddy Mind Tricks!?!?

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Welcome to our monthly joint venture we like to call, Yo! Momma. We open up the mailbag to answer the questions from our most faithful readers and bring definitive resolution in the age-old battle of the sexes.

We do so in the only way we know how: with zero filter and 100-percent brutal honesty.

In our last edition, we took on the topic of contributing more around the house and how to avoid looking like a bumbling, stumbling, moronic father figure that a TV sitcom would proudly feature.

In the latest edition collaboration of the best parenting bloggers on the Internet, we’re discussing the idea of co-sleeping and how it can wreak havoc on a couple’s opportunities to enjoy a little sexy time.

You ask. We attempt to answer … and then Rachel from Whine & Cheez(Its) drops some knowledge on your ass to provide the feminine point of view that we all truly need in our lives.

Welcome to another edition of … Yo! Momma.

My wife is all about the co-sleeping with our 13-month old and I’m ready to resume irregularly sexy time stuff. How the hell do I get the kid out of our bed so I can finally have some fun with wifey?

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Pete: Welp, this sounds like the perfect chance to get a little creative outside of the bedroom, if you ask me. We don’t have to hit the time machine on sex life and travel back to the days of missionary position only pleasure under the lights before retreating back to our separate beds after an evening of the Donna Reed Show.

Not having enough sex in your own bed at night because your kid is in the way? Turn up the heat on some daytime fun whenever you can get the chance. Hire a babysitter and get it on in a Burger King bathroom like Humpty (Shock-G) from Digital Underground. Ship the kid off to family member for a night. Get a hotel and fuck like rabbits all over some freshened towels.

My point: don’t be afraid to find some creativity in the game of romance.

Now, that being said, why the hell is your toddler still sleeping in your bed and not in his or her own? Handle that. Perhaps a romp or two in your kitchen while the kid is watching Sesame Street in the other room will help unload some stress and provide clarity into how to get this little one doing 10-12 hours nightly in another bed.

Putting first things first, though – have a conference with wifey, get on the same page about the sleep training situation and get out of the hell that is co-sleeping with a toddler … before your little general can no longer stand tall and proud.

Rachel: First of all – back the fuck up. Chances are she’s not co-sleeping because she enjoys that hot furnace of a baby body all up on her, with sporadic kicks to the gut, arms across her face and a general disrespect for personal space. She’s basically at her “personal touch” limit.

Navigating the ever-changing sleeping patterns of an infant/toddler (among all of the other shit) is no joke and can make you feel like you’re taking crazy pills and hallucinating from sleep deprivation. She’s also probably bombarded by those passive-aggressive “sanctimommies” on the regular, about how their little angel was sleeping alone, through the night at 6 days old. That’s always super fun.

Bottom line? She’s fucking exhausted and tending to a child in those first few years leaves little time for rest, and yes even regular sexcapades. She wants to have sex with you, I promise (unless you’re a raging asshole). She’s just trying to figure it all out. Maybe instead of making her feel like all you want is to boot the kid from the bed so you can knock some boots, show some compassion.

Ask her what you can do to help with the transition. Offer to take another feeding. Do things proactively … sink filled with bottles? Clean it. Running low on diapers? Grab them at the store. Show her you are all about the co-parenting thing and that she has a partner, not just a sex-deprived spouse.

Nothing is more of a panty dropper than a partner who’s understanding AND all-in and hands-on with the kid stuff. It will happen. I promise.

Now it’s YOUR turn. Do you have some more questions for our crackpot team of experts? Drop us a line in the comments section, or hit us up on email at DaddyMindTricks [at] gmail.com and maybe we’ll feature your question in the next edition of Yo! Momma.

Yo! Momma: I Want To Do More Around The House

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Hi, my name is Rachel and I am super Type A and have a hard time relinquishing control of mundane household and kid-related activities…

So when my brothers from another mother, Pete & Mark from Daddy Mind Tricks tackled THIS reader question…I was ALL over it!

Check out the latest installment of Yo! Momma, about pitching in around the house.

Oh, and got a question you want to submit to get the he said/she said take? Send it our way (see info at the end of the post to submit).

_________________________________________________________________

Welcome to our monthly joint venture we like to call, Yo! Momma. We open up the mailbag to answer the questions from our most faithful readers and bring definitive resolution in the age-old battle of the sexes.

We do so in the only way we know how: with zero filter and 100-percent brutal honesty.

Last time, we took on the topic of sensitive boobs and how to navigate around a perennially sore subject.

In the latest edition collaboration of the best parenting bloggers on the Internet, we’re discussing the tactful approach for men to get more involved around the house, even when wifey isn’t too keen on the concept.

You ask. We attempt to answer … and then Rachel from Whine & Cheez(Its) drops some knowledge on your ass to provide the feminine point of view that we all truly need in our lives.

Welcome to another edition of … Yo! Momma.

Mommy wants to get everything done around the house and won’t let me chip in to help  – admittedly, I’m awful at just about everything outside of boiling water, so I need her to Yoda me. But, I want to have a bigger role, so how do I respectfully tell her that I’m game for more stuff without hurting any feelings or getting in the way?

Pete: Okay, my dude. Time to play a little tough love. You’re going to have to suck it up, put the big boy pants on and learn how to get some shit done around the house – at least learn how to cook a damn meal because that’s some ridiculous shit.

I do applaud that you recognize this flaw in the gameplan and would like to call an audible here to get more involved. Here’s a three-step plan for success that will help ease the transition from bumbling dude to super dad.

First, time to have a chat with wifey. Teammates gotta talk to one another. LeBron James and Kyrie Irving communicate to each other in practice, on the sideline and most definitely on the court. Let your partner know that you want to contribute some more and that you are going to try to improve. Maybe offer to start small and take over a task here or there – like boiling some water to make some pasta at least once a week to cook some dinner.

Second, probably time to learn how to get some things done around the house. Ask wifey to show you some of the smaller things to establish the trust. In all likelihood she’d love to have some assistance in the day-to-day, but just gets caught up in getting it done herself because it’s easier than having to teach someone else and go through the growing pains. Be sure to reinforce that it’s okay if it doesn’t come out totally her way, as long as the kids survive, the house doesn’t burn down, and everyone still has their sanity.

Lastly, read more of this website. Starting with our New Rules to Fatherhood. Take that shit to heart and be ready to step up to the plate to be a fucking father worth crushing the competition by this time next year. Hell, make it part of your New Year’s Goals to find some measurable traits where you can improve.

Your wife will thank you.

Rachel: Wait, did you write this about me?!?! Because this is a real struggle of a Type-A chick. We want to do everything a specific way and can be a royal pain in the ass (guilty). It’s really not that we don’t WANT help from you, it’s just a little challenging to relinquish control after growing a tiny human in your uterus and then pushing it out. Since we did that part totally by ourselves, I think there’s this weird thing that happens that makes us feel nobody could possibly do things the way we would or want to. Yes it’s crazy unrealistic and a little dumb, but it happens.

I think the fact that you even want to have a bigger role and are not just sitting scratching your balls while she’s pumping, or nursing, or washing bottles, etc, is HUGE. When it’s time to feed or bathe the kid, don’t “ask”, just say…”Babe, let me give her a bath and you go sit down for a while.” Or if she’s REALLY a control freak (guilty), tweak it to, “Babe, I want to do bathtime with you…let me help.”

Sure, the first couple of times, she may shoot you down. But if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Eventually, she will take you up on it. The worst thing you can do is to just give up and get laser focused on fantasy football while the black circles under her eyes grow to epic proportions. I promise that once she sees you pitch it (and do it well), she’ll let that, “I’m just going to do everything” schtick a rest and be happy to have you on board.

Now it’s YOUR turn. Do you have some more questions for our crackpot team of experts? Drop us a line in the comments section, or hit us up on email at DaddyMindTricks [at] gmail.com and maybe we’ll feature your question in the next edition of Yo! Momma.

Introducing…The Parental Advisory Podcast (Insert Applause)

It’s finally here!! The news we have been sitting on, literally for months. We would have launched this endeavor sooner but with three parents living in three different states having kids with incessant fevers, snotty episodes and other parenting shit…we had some full plates over here.

 

You have probably witnessed the little social media lovefests between Daddy Mind Tricks and Whine & Cheez(its), but you need to know that our love is strong and real. Even more real than JoJo and Jordan.

 

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So we decided to take our relationship to the next level….PODCASTING!!

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That’s right! We are effing thrilled to announce the official podcast that is the brainchild of our two brands – The Parental Advisory Podcast.

 

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(TO GOT STRAIGHT TO THE ITUNES LINK CLICK HERE)

Shit. Just. Got. Real.

Here’s what you can expect:

Sarcasm

Raw parenting anecdotes

Busting each other’s balls

Cursing

Crossing boundaries

Honesty

Cursing

Hilarity

Entertainment

Cursing

 

Each episode will have the three of us discussing timely parenting topics – but REALLY discussing them. Not providing canned, politically correct soundbites. This isn’t The Effing View. Sometimes we will agree, sometimes we will not. But one thing you can always count on – we will ALWAYS be real as shit.

 

Please check out our first few episodes, share the hell out of them, review them wherever you listen and stay tuned for more. You can even put some money in our swear jar if you really want to help some bloggers out and be part of our efforts for world (or at least blogosphere) domination.

 

Thank you to all of our supporters and we hope you like what you hear!

 

Rachel, Pete & Mark

Who’s Your Daddy?

Father’s Day is waiting in the wings which means stores like Brookstone will have record sales for stupid gadgets people scoff at the other 364 days of the year, and poor shmucks everywhere will get the cliché tie as their bounty for helping make a child.

I’m getting hit with emails, and other direct marketing materials left and right pushing all sorts of father’s day swag. But I get Bob the same thing every year…because it’s what he genuinely wants and he loves it – a gift certificate to Khiel’s for his fancy shampoo and other toiletries. Done.

Others will suffer a different fate, and based on some of the shit I’m seeing promoted, I hope you make wise choices when gifting to the daddies on your list.

If you haven’t checked out the special Father’s Day section on Groupon, and are looking for some entertainment, you totally should. It’s not nearly as entertaining as the “Casual Encounters” section on Craigslist, or the comment feed on any news station’s Facebook post of a random criminal’s mug shot, but it’s worth the look. I’ll even give you what I think just might be the top 7 most ridiculous gifts on there.

Here we go…in no particular order:

1) Toilet Golf.

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I mean, really??? It’s not enough people bring iPads and iPhones into the bathroom to occupy themselves and feed into their candy crush obsessions? Now they need a putting green while they poop? And what happens after – do you store it somewhere or do you just have a mini golf course in front of your toilet at all times?

2) Belt Buckle / Bottle Opener Hybrid.

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I am all for multitasking but this is ridiculous. There’s nothing charming about a guy popping off a beer cap with his belt. This is so country I can’t even comprehend it. But if you are going for this type of thing you should probably bundle it with a Jeff Foxworthy DVD, a case of Bud Heavy and a “Git Er Done” wife beater.

3) Shaving Accessories.

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I actually think nice shaving stuff is a decent gift but had to include this for the picture alone. Is this for real? Who directed the shoot and told him to naturally place his hand on his chin like that making look as far from natural as possible? And the more important question – did they pick someone who matched the shaving brush or did they frost his tips to match after they booked him?

4) One Level (Barely) Above Axe Body Spray.

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Hey, your middle school called and it wants its cologne back. I bought this very scent for my 7th grade boyfriend by writing a check at Burdines in the Mall. And don’t even get me started on Coolwater. This is not one of those retro trends. It’s over. Let it go.

5) Video Games

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This is a GREAT gift…if you never want to see your baby daddy again. Instead he’ll be camped out on your couch yelling at strangers through a headset as they strategize how to kill the bad guy and take themselves way too seriously.

6) Pajama Jeans for Men.

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Just no.

And lucky number 7) Horrifying Sex Toy.

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Guys…seriously…what the EFF is this?!?!? There is NOTHING about that picture that makes me think sexy thoughts. I have no words.

So there’s your little Groupon round-up of Father’s Day gift ideas NOT to purchase. That place is an arsenal of bad decisions peppered with great restaurant bargains and a few other steals I purchase frequently (like oodles of Garcinia Camobogia to feed my habit).

Happy Father’s Day y’all!

 

 

 

Great Expectations (in Fatherhood): A Collabo With My New Blog Besties

I get a Facebook message one day from my friend Robyn saying she has these two bloggers, Pete Cataldo and Mark Holden, from DaddyMindTricks,  I need to connect with.

The tone and humor of their blog is similar, she said.

They’re like the dad version of you, she said.

I peeped their blog and she was totally right – so I sent a message to one half of the blogging duo, Pete, to get the ball rolling.

We totally hit it off!

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We shared our backgrounds, hopes & dreams for our respective blogs and then, the magic started as we discussed a collaboration. Pete is ABOUT to have his first child (ballsy to write a daddy blog, right?!?! I effing love it), Mark has been in the trenches briefly, and I am the veteran parent (how scary is that?). So we decide it would be a fun exercise to do a little he said/she said mashup around parenting expectations vs. the reality. They lack a filter, just like me, so I was beyond excited.

 

This was so ridiculously fun that we can’t wait to do it again (oh it’s gonna happen). These guys are awesome, as is their blog, so make sure you check it out and please show them some love on Facebook!

And Robyn, you totally started this!!

And now, I present…Great Expectations (in Fatherhood)…

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My approach to life can be summed up by the immortal knowledge bomb dropped by Doc. Emmett L. Brown:

“If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.”

Side note: someone really needs to put this saying to work and invent my damn hoverboard. It’s been 20-plus years now. Make this happen already.

Anywho, I never needed 1.21 Gigawatts to power my determination for success. But whenever I have used my willpower to charge my goal setting, I’ve been able to dominate: from graduating college to getting that job as a Sports Anchor to moving to New York City to starting my own business. I did it all like a boss. And now, well … I am a boss. Okay, it may be a company of just me. But, whatever.

So, as this new role as a first-time dad bears down on me like a colossal rogue meteor ready to impact the surface of my unsuspecting world, I prepare to conquer this assignment like everything else I’ve dominated so far in life.

I mean, it can’t be that tough, right? If Kanye freakin’ West can father a baby, I can certainly handle this daddy thing.

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Yep. This happened. Kimye apparently has procreation capabilities.

It’s pretty much sunshine and roses with some shitty diapers mixed in between. Or so I think that’s how this is gonna down.

I’m calling in Ben Affleck and his team of renegade miners to blast my meteoric expectations out of the sky. We are pleased to introduce our good friend Rachel Sobel from Whine and Cheez (Its) who is going to set the record straight on how this whole parenting thing really works.

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I’m Batman.

 

I’ll set up some of my expectations and she’ll knock ‘em down (or even build ‘em up) with the reality of it all.

 

No. 1 – I’m never going to sleep again.

Rachel’s Take: NEVER! And when you do it will be with one eye slightly ajar like you are waiting to defend yourself against Tony Montana’s henchman (hoping they actually leave the cannoli because you also don’t have time to sit and have real meals anymore).

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No. 2 – Sleep training works like a breeze and lil’ baby Cataldo will be sleeping through the night in about 8-12 weeks after birth.

Rachel’s Take: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. In the interest of full disclosure, I did do sleep training and it did work. However, babies always have some problem arise that fucks everything up. Teething, gas, and about a million other things rear their head and make you start from square one. Let me put it to you this way – there came a fork in the road for me, more than once where I had to choose between being a sleep training Nazi and sacrifice my own or just let her climb in my bed where she magically passed out every time and mama got a few hours herself. Now she’s 6 and in her bed but wakes me up at least 2-3 times a night to come lay with her. I’m currently looking into building a custom bed that will fit my husband and I, as well as her and her future husband – that’s the road I’m on. FML

 

No. 3 – She’s never leaving the house. Papa Bear ain’t messin’ around with those punk kids trying to date my daughter.

Rachel’s Take: I’m with you 100%. I often consider putting her in a burka when I see the tweens trolling the local mall in jean shorts so short that I can see vagina. I’ve also contemplated locking her in a room like Sloth from the Goonies but I’m pretty sure it counts as false imprisonment.

 

No. 4 – I will not be at the business end of my wife’s labor.

I will not be at the business end of my wife’s labor.

I will not be at the business end of my wife’s labor.

Rachel’s Take: Yes. Good plan. Because it looks like a murder scene. There’s a reason the bathroom in the hospital room is stocked with maxi pads that look like they were made for Andre the Giant (may he rest in peace), ice packs and Preparation H. Look away. You can’t unsee this.

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No. 5 – So there’s no instruction booklet for this stuff, huh?

Rachel’s Take: Nope and I urge you to do a spring cleaning on Facebook because you are going to get so much unsolicited advice from asshole parents who think they know everything and will swear their kids are reading at 8 weeks old, sleeping like perfect angels from the day they got home, prefer kale and broccoli over M&M’s and fart rainbows. In the throes of parenthood you really learn who your real friends are.

 

No. 6 – Good thing I have a full-stocked bar at home, because I’ll never have a social life again. That said, I will be able to keep up with my addiction, um, AFFECTION for wine and bourbon.

Rachel’s Take: This is mostly true. Your social life will basically turn into adult play dates that coincide with kid play dates. When you are ready, you will totally take advantage of getting a sitter and venturing out, but for the love of god, pace yourself. Because it’s all fun and games throwing em’ back at a bar reliving your pre-child days…..but you know what’s NOT fun? When your child is prying your hungover eyes open at 6:30 am to get them a sippy cup with milk.

 

No. 7 – Shit just got real. Like, this diaper situation … is this really gonna be like an all-hands on deck kinda thing?

Rachel’s Take: If you EVER want to have sex again, then yes, it’s most certainly an all hands on deck kinda thing. And do NOT wait for her to ask. Just get your ass up off the couch – no matter how many seconds are left in double OT, and change the baby you helped make. Oh, and also, BTDubs….nothing, and I mean nothing, can fully prepare you for the first diaper blow out. You’ve been warned.

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No. 8 – Will I ever be able to look at the boob the same way again?

Rachel’s Take: Yes. The National Geographic-sized nipples will go back to normal, she’ll let you touch them again because they’ll stop being so sore, and all will be right in the world. And if they don’t snap back, and she wants a boob job, say yes. She grew your child in her body. That’s like super hero shit and you are basically never allowed to say no again.

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No. 9 – Cute daughter means cute outfits, right? My little girl is gonna be on fleek seven days a week. (I’m told “on fleek” is what the kids are saying these days). Or maybe I just need to stick with the onesie uniform.

Rachel’s Take: I mean, I know this is coming from a woman who has a daughter. And she IS super girly, just like me. But you’re damn straight! Not taking advantage of all the ridiculously cute outfits and accessories for little girls is like getting a salad at the world’s top steakhouse.

 

No. 10 – Sex? Ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat. Seriously: has this completely left the building? Or does it make an appearance every once in a while, like a Tupac hologram?

Rachel’s Take: It will totally happen just don’t be an asshole about it. Let a sister heal! And be realistic. In the beginning especially, sleep deprivation and the desperation to just have your pre-baby body back, is enough to make you want to be celibate. When your wife is between feedings, diaper blowouts, laundry, and everything else on the list of tending to a newborn, your penis is not always a priority. Accept it gracefully and you will be rewarded.

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Rachel’s (Final) Take: I love that the Daddies from DaddyMindTricks included me in this one. Nothing and nobody can prepare you for what parenthood really is. It’s the most rewarding, exhausting, unpredictable, scary, insanely messy journey of your life. I am equal parts tired and amazed every damn day. My body is not exactly where I’d like it to be, I could stand to dress a little cuter sometimes, wear my hair in a ponytail less and I am basically a human purse for my daughter, schlepping everything from snacks to dolls to sippy cups, and everything in between. I could KILL it on “Let’s Make a Deal.”  If I had a shekel for every time I heard, “Mom can you hold this?” I’d have a shitload of shekels. But I wouldn’t trade any of it. Not a single iota. And when I’m old and can’t walk so well, I’ll make her push me in a blinged-out adult stroller (read: wheelchair) just like I carted her around in her fancy stroller. I’ll make her do my hair 100 times because there are still “too many bumps in my ponytail” and I’ll make her carry ALL my shit. And I know she’ll do it because we love each other fiercely.

 

A huge shout out to Rachel for keeping it 100 on this post and hooking it up with the first of many mash-ups between Whine and Cheez (Its) and DaddyMindTricks. It’s always intriguing and frankly a nice change of pace to get a fresh perspective from a member of the opposite sex – especially one that has been front and center in the trenches of this ongoing battle we call parenting.

 

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