I love trashy reality TV.

Life can be hectic and crazy and chaotic and filled with a lot of serious shit.  So sometimes I just like watching someone else’s train wreck, is that so wrong?

On my regular rotation is:

  • The Real Housewives of New York City.  But that’s the only one in the series. I can’t even watch the other ones. BTDubs – I’m team Heather because she’s the only one who’s not two-faced.  Plus I love a white girl who thinks she’s a little bit black.
  • So You Think You Can Dance. The auditions are obviously my favorite part, especially the ones that are so bad they are painful to watch and have me playing a game in my head called “Psychopath or Plant”. Because let’s be real, there’s no way some of these people aren’t plants.  You’re telling me that the obligatory nerdy white guy from Oklahoma who can’t hold a beat thought it would be a viable idea to audition for a show with some of the most incredible dancers in the world? I call bullshit.
  • Honey Boo Boo. I realize it’s this very show that could be some sort of social barometer for what is wrong in this world, but hear me out.  This family is out of control. They are slobs. They play games like “Guess who’s breath”. It’s bad. But…they are also no doubt getting paid good money to air their dirty laundry (literally) and have managed to stay true to themselves.  They are not snotty entitled kids (like the Shahs of Sunset which I cannot watch because I hate them all).  They could probably afford to move into a house where three kids don’t share one room, but mama June keeps on couponing.  Guaranteed what this family lacks in social grace and clean feet, they make up for in stronger family values than any of the people from the Real Housewives franchise.
  • Sister Wives. I cannot emphasize my infatuation with polygamy enough.  I want to know about it all. Every little detail.
  • Gypsy Sisters/My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding. See above explanation.
  • Breaking Amish. See above, above explanation.
  • Lots of cooking shows. I love food so this is a no brainer but there are two sad realities with these shows. I will probably never make anything that I marvel at, and I gag from the stress sweat that drips in the food as they are cooking.
  • Shark Tank. I end up looking stuff up as they are pitching to see if I can buy it. I/Jason have made four successful purchases already – 1) Wicked Good Cupcakes 2) Wine Doctor 3) Kodiak Cakes 4) Scrub Daddy Sponge
  • Catfish. First of all, I love Nev and Max. I would totally hang out with them in real life.  This show utterly blows my mind.  I cannot believe there are people out there who carry on relationships with people they met online, have never met in person or spoke on the phone, live in different states, and have about 15 red flags waving in their face.  I’m also shocked at how quickly a catfishee will send dickpics to someone they don’t even know!! What is wrong with people?!?! First of all – if someone tells you they can’t skype or video chat because they have no “webcam”, you’re an asshole for believing it.  The panhandler by  I95 and Palmetto Park Rd in Boca has an iPhone and can FaceTime.  And how many “models” do you think there are on Facebook or whatever social medium, who are carrying on sexting filled love affairs with strangers they don’t care to meet? So yes, most of the time, this show can be predictable, but every once in a while, the castfisher turns out to be the real deal and the catfishee can hardly believe it.  It’s so good on so many levels and that glimmer of hope keeps me tuned in.

With all the shows I love, I also have ones that make me irrationally angry.

  • Toddlers and Tiaras. I can’t even watch this. I just can’t. And why are the mother’s of the mini prostitots always so disheveled and out of shape? Isn’t that kind of like hiring a chick pushing 400 lbs to be your personal trainer?
  • Dance Moms. I have a love/hate relationship with this one. I love all shows dance. But Abby Lee Miller deserves a swift kick to the crotch – or ten. She is the worst and I can’t handle the ass-kissing moms and the girls who so desperately seek her approval.
  • Hoarders.  I can’t even see promos for this show without needing Paxil. The same goes for the shows where people become so obese they have to be cut out of their homes. How??? How does this happen????
  • Extreme Couponers.  I’m gonna save you hours of your life you will never get back.  Here’s how the show works. Every. Damn. Time.  Chrissy Couponer makes her family wake up at 5am to go to a grocery story. Armed with 12 grocery carts and a list and strategy she has carefully crafted for weeks, they go in to divide and conquer. Once she has more deodorant, ketchup and toilet paper than she knows what to do with, they head to checkout where she bites her nails into bloody nubs and waits for every coupon to be accepted.  Then…wait for it…wait for it….the cash register just can’t take the action and craps out. They have to rescan everything and in the end she has paid $23 for $23,000 worth of groceries.  You’re welcome.
  • Shahs of Sunset or any other show with spoiled, rich, asshole kids who have never paid a bill in their lives because they have “people” for that.
  • The Bachelor.  The only reason I can’t watch this is because I’m already bored from a show that never changes.  Spoiler alert: He’s gonna sleep with 85% of them while he canoodles in a STD-infested hot tub with the others and someone is going to ugly cry on the confessional camera with snot dripping down her face 5 minutes after she gives it up because she just “doesn’t understand” and “thought they had such a strong connection”.  Same applies to The Bachelorette.

Shows I tried but can’t get into.

  • Buying Naked. How many asses and strategically placed furniture to cover pink parts can I really see before I get bored?  And how the hell can I take someone seriously when their penis is hanging out while they admire the crown molding and complain that the edges of the kitchen island “might be a problem”?
  • Naked and Afraid. These people are just idiots of epic proportion.
  • Sex sent me to the ER. The subject matter of this show is what got me intrigued. There’s enough sexcapades gone awry leading to ER visits for a whole season of shows??? Sign me up! Unfortunately, the reenactment acting is so painfully uncomfortable to watch I couldn’t do it. I’d rather watch Tony Little with his abnormally large quads and frizzy ponytail on his Gazelle infomercial for 10 hours. (FYI, I owned one of those too).

Before you form your opinions of me and my gravitation for trashy TV, let me share some facts. I am educated – holding both bachelor’s and master’s degrees and I hold a great job (and always have). I have respect from my peers, friends and family. In other words, I’m not a shmuck.  But you know what? Even us smart cookies enjoy a little trash to lighten the mood. I’ve also found that the holier than thou (mostly women) who say they have “never” and would “never” watch anything reality-based are effing liars who just wait for their kids and spouse to go to sleep so they are not made.  Coincidentally, these are also the same women who would “never” keep anything in their fridge that wasn’t organically grown, but keep a shoebox in their closet overflowing with Snickers bars and Ding Dongs which they shame eat while crouching silently next to their 40 pairs of Tom’s.