I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my eyebrows. 

I have put you through so much over the last couple of decades and for that I am truly sorry. I was a late bloomer with eyebrow maintenance because my mother lied to me and told me my bushy eyebrows were in like Brooke Shields’ (circa the 80s). 

I didn’t discover tweezing and waxing for real, until I went to college and joined a sorority filled with perfect brows. That’s when I made my first huge mistake and went balls to the wall with tweezing. I’m sorry it was during that phase that you met Woody Harrelson. Hopefully he was too high to notice. From there you were way too straight, then too arched. 

It took me until my early 30s to really get my shit together and I appreciate you being two little troopers. 

We’re in a better place now, though and I’ve learned a lot. You’re safe now.