Listen, friends.
I believe in leading with kindness.
I believe in giving the benefit of the doubt.
I believe in showing grace.
However, I personally feel that there are some people and some offenses that DO NOT deserve forgiveness.
That doesn’t mean you walk around like a Salty Sally holding grudges. You can still move on.
I have had a few people in my life who did really terrible things. And because we are conditioned to believe that you can’t move forward until you grant forgiveness, for a long time I thought I HAD to forgive. What I realized was that showing these people forgiveness helped them. Absolved them. Allowed them to move forward and feel better about the shitty things they did. But it brought me zero closure and did not make me feel better.
So I stopped.
I learned to stop saying things like, “it’s ok” when it’s really not. I learned that giving someone a pass to make them feel better wasn’t worth me having to carry the weight of whatever shitty thing they did.
People who screw up and are genuinely sorry, deserve forgiveness.
People who have patterns and just collect victims from their gross behavior do not, in my opinion.
So, if it makes YOU feel better to show forgiveness even if it’s not truly deserved…if it brings you closure and peace, then do it.
If it only gives the offender closure and you still feel crappy, then don’t. Just stop. It will not prevent you from moving on and living your life. It’s an antiquated piece of etiquette steeped in bullshittery and it’s ok to rewrite the rules a little, you know?
If you are the one on the receiving end of being hurt, do what brings you peace and resolve. Don’t worry about hurting the feelings of someone who hurt you and feel any pressure to graciously accept their apology because you feel you have to.
If it’s not ok, it’s not ok.