How Moms Are Like Superheroes – New for HuffPo

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Did you  know that as a mom, you totally hone superhero-like skills that you probably never knew you even had?!

It’s true.

Read all about it in my latest article for the Huffington Post.

CLICK HERE TO READ >> http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/58caaf07e4b0e0d348b340ea

 

Yo! Momma: I Want To Do More Around The House

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Hi, my name is Rachel and I am super Type A and have a hard time relinquishing control of mundane household and kid-related activities…

So when my brothers from another mother, Pete & Mark from Daddy Mind Tricks tackled THIS reader question…I was ALL over it!

Check out the latest installment of Yo! Momma, about pitching in around the house.

Oh, and got a question you want to submit to get the he said/she said take? Send it our way (see info at the end of the post to submit).

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Welcome to our monthly joint venture we like to call, Yo! Momma. We open up the mailbag to answer the questions from our most faithful readers and bring definitive resolution in the age-old battle of the sexes.

We do so in the only way we know how: with zero filter and 100-percent brutal honesty.

Last time, we took on the topic of sensitive boobs and how to navigate around a perennially sore subject.

In the latest edition collaboration of the best parenting bloggers on the Internet, we’re discussing the tactful approach for men to get more involved around the house, even when wifey isn’t too keen on the concept.

You ask. We attempt to answer … and then Rachel from Whine & Cheez(Its) drops some knowledge on your ass to provide the feminine point of view that we all truly need in our lives.

Welcome to another edition of … Yo! Momma.

Mommy wants to get everything done around the house and won’t let me chip in to help  – admittedly, I’m awful at just about everything outside of boiling water, so I need her to Yoda me. But, I want to have a bigger role, so how do I respectfully tell her that I’m game for more stuff without hurting any feelings or getting in the way?

Pete: Okay, my dude. Time to play a little tough love. You’re going to have to suck it up, put the big boy pants on and learn how to get some shit done around the house – at least learn how to cook a damn meal because that’s some ridiculous shit.

I do applaud that you recognize this flaw in the gameplan and would like to call an audible here to get more involved. Here’s a three-step plan for success that will help ease the transition from bumbling dude to super dad.

First, time to have a chat with wifey. Teammates gotta talk to one another. LeBron James and Kyrie Irving communicate to each other in practice, on the sideline and most definitely on the court. Let your partner know that you want to contribute some more and that you are going to try to improve. Maybe offer to start small and take over a task here or there – like boiling some water to make some pasta at least once a week to cook some dinner.

Second, probably time to learn how to get some things done around the house. Ask wifey to show you some of the smaller things to establish the trust. In all likelihood she’d love to have some assistance in the day-to-day, but just gets caught up in getting it done herself because it’s easier than having to teach someone else and go through the growing pains. Be sure to reinforce that it’s okay if it doesn’t come out totally her way, as long as the kids survive, the house doesn’t burn down, and everyone still has their sanity.

Lastly, read more of this website. Starting with our New Rules to Fatherhood. Take that shit to heart and be ready to step up to the plate to be a fucking father worth crushing the competition by this time next year. Hell, make it part of your New Year’s Goals to find some measurable traits where you can improve.

Your wife will thank you.

Rachel: Wait, did you write this about me?!?! Because this is a real struggle of a Type-A chick. We want to do everything a specific way and can be a royal pain in the ass (guilty). It’s really not that we don’t WANT help from you, it’s just a little challenging to relinquish control after growing a tiny human in your uterus and then pushing it out. Since we did that part totally by ourselves, I think there’s this weird thing that happens that makes us feel nobody could possibly do things the way we would or want to. Yes it’s crazy unrealistic and a little dumb, but it happens.

I think the fact that you even want to have a bigger role and are not just sitting scratching your balls while she’s pumping, or nursing, or washing bottles, etc, is HUGE. When it’s time to feed or bathe the kid, don’t “ask”, just say…”Babe, let me give her a bath and you go sit down for a while.” Or if she’s REALLY a control freak (guilty), tweak it to, “Babe, I want to do bathtime with you…let me help.”

Sure, the first couple of times, she may shoot you down. But if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Eventually, she will take you up on it. The worst thing you can do is to just give up and get laser focused on fantasy football while the black circles under her eyes grow to epic proportions. I promise that once she sees you pitch it (and do it well), she’ll let that, “I’m just going to do everything” schtick a rest and be happy to have you on board.

Now it’s YOUR turn. Do you have some more questions for our crackpot team of experts? Drop us a line in the comments section, or hit us up on email at DaddyMindTricks [at] gmail.com and maybe we’ll feature your question in the next edition of Yo! Momma.

The TRUTH about Pregnancy

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So, a while back I penned a brief blog post about some of the perils of pregnancy. But as I approach the finish line of my second pregnancy, I’m reminded about all of the things (really gross things), that most women don’t discuss. And I still don’t get why.

I mean, women are worse than men in terms of the things we talk about (at least my girlfriends are), so why are people so coy to talk about what happens to a woman’s body during pregnancy and labor.

Eff that!

Remember when I posted on Facebook asking for your gross stories? Well, I took them and wrapped them into a disgusting little package with a cute little bow for my latest Huffington Post story.

Read it, share it, own it.

You can click any of the links in this post or use this link>> http://huff.to/2jhI6rW

Just remember to always keep it real mamas!

 

Bedrest and Birthmarks

Pregnancy is no easy feat. Even despite that, I will never take it for granted. My first pregnancy was a walk in the park and as uneventful as they come. This one – 8 years later – is an entirely different ball of wax. There are a ton of details and stories around it that provide enough for a series of blog posts and will likely come later when I have a chance to breathe (in 18 years).

In addition to the raging obligatory nausea that can often accompany the first trimester, I have the unbearable heartburn that makes me feel like my esophagus might just fall out or burst and that at any moment I may even breathe fire like a fucking dragon. I’ve also experienced more “major” stuff this time around.

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First, was my stay in the hospital with kidney stones almost two months ago. Just FYI this was the WORST pain I have ever experienced in my life (and I say that having pushed a baby out of my vagina). And guess what they can do for kidney stones in a preggo…NADA!

Because the options are basically blasting with radiation and surgery, all they could really do for me was offer pain meds to keep me comfortable, IV fluids, and wait for them to pass. Annnnddddd, that’s the first time my baby in utero and I did drugs together – specifically dilaudid and demerol. It was a real rager.

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On the heels of that shitshow, I ended up back in the hospital this past weekend with another issue that now has me on bedrest for the remainder of my pregnancy. At this point I feel like SLS and I should have a wing named after us, or at least be giving tours to expectant parents. On the bright side, my mom was there and that ALWAYS provides the levity I need to help me momentarily forget that I am hooked up to an IV, a fetal monitor and being pricked more times than a porn star on a busy day.

First, when my OBGYN came in the room, my mom thought she was just one of my friends she’d never met because she was sans lab coat and didn’t look all doctory. Instead she came in on call, dressed normally, wearing makeup, with her LV messenger on her hip. They were instant besties and hugging 60 seconds later. Then my high risk doctor happened to be there and my mom could NOT get over his shoes – which were those horrible shoes that look like gloves for your feet that nobody should ever wear, especially if you want to have sex ever again.

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She was like the cat who swallowed the canary, or that SNL Kristen Wiig character who can’t handle surprises, waiting for him to leave so she could discuss.

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But really, the best part of the whole day came when the conversation turned to sex. My husband, best friend/sister-wife and I were talking about sex during pregnancy, to which my mom chimes in…

“Please, NOBODY should be having sex during pregnancy. It’s not good for the baby. The baby doesn’t need to be poked around.”

“Mom, you know that’s not really humanly possible, right?”

“Rachel, it’s not good for the baby. Plus, all that poking?!? How do you think babies get birthmarks?”

Drops mic. Exits stage.

It was at that point that my husband was laughing so hard in the corner he literally couldn’t breath. I was laugh/crying real tears. And my mom was dead serious and not understanding why we found it so funny.

She continued with, “Well, it hasn’t been disproven!”

Sidebar – I feel it’s important for context to also point out that my mother has a master’s degree in education and taught (wait for it…wait for it) health and sex education. Boom!

My husband then pointed to a birthmark I have had on the top of my chest my whole life and said to her, “Sooooo….is that where this came from?” She just looked at it, squinted a little and pretended she’s never seen it, shrugged and changed the subject.

No matter what, this woman can ALWAYS take the tension out of a situation and make you pee from laughing. I almost think there’s a viable business idea somewhere in here where we can rent her out to people in grim or serious situations who need a distraction in the form of a stand-up comedienne who doesn’t even know she’s performing.

Here we come Shark Tank…

The Nightmare Before Christmas & Hanukkah – NEW Parental Advisory Podcast!!

Did you miss us???

Then you’re going to be stoked for the latest episode of the Parental Advisory Podcast with my brothers from another mother – Pete & Mark from Daddy Mind Tricks.

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We’re covering all of the nightmares before Christmas and Hanukkah (or as I call it, Jewish Christmas…because c’mon let’s get real, that’s basically what it is.)

We’re kvetching about all of it – from Thanksgiving to New Year’s to Black Friday and everything in between.

Ch-Ch-Check it out.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN >>> bit.ly/iTunesPAP

 

 

That Time 2 Jewish Hoodrats Fell In Love & Birthed a Really REAL Podcast

I met this chick (over the phone) although we do share many mutual friends, so I suppose we were bound to meet one day. We kibitzed on the phone, first about potential work stuff…but there were sparks.

So we agreed to meet for dinner.

Well, let me tell you that after 7 minutes into our lady date, we were spilling shit about our lives like we knew each other for decades. It was love a first sight I think.

We started texting immediately like a pre-pubescent teenage couple telling each other how much we liked each other. Then we had some PDA on social media, declaring our love for all the world to see.

Then she says four words that seriously took our relationship to the next level.

“Let’s Record a Podcast.”

And like a giddy school girl, I was like “Yes! I do!” Well that’s not entirely true…it was more like “Fuck yeah, let’s record a podcast!”

And so with my computer and the generosity of one of her contacts allowing us to use his recording studio, we met just “to test” the logistics. But instead, we accidentally (and organically) recorded our first episode of, The Keep It Real Moms!

Yup! Two self-proclaimed (somewhat) recovered hoodrats with pasts filled with giant hoop earrings, brown lipstick and mavi jeans, found their way to each other. Because, Kismet.

We decided we were done with the unicorn-laced bullshit other moms pretend go on in their lives and wanted to revel in our crazy, chaotic, happy, sad, complicated, perfectly imperfect trials and tribulations of marriage, motherhood and everything in between.

So….here it is. Our first baby together in what’s sure to be a long-standing “marriage” of sorts.

Nothing is off-limits and we promise to Keep it Real.

LISTEN HERE >>> http://bit.ly/2fikbpP

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Word to your mutha.

Not My First Rodeo

Last time I was pregnant was almost eight years ago. Here I am again, growing a human inside me but things are a little different. Most obviously, the fact that this is my second marriage which means I have two baby daddys. Guys, I’m basically like a rapper now.

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Now, with another little girl cooking, it’s hard not to notice the differences from the first time around.

While I was not even a little bit neurotic during my first pregnancy, I was much more on the ball with a lot of “stuff” that accompanies pregnancy.

1. YOU BASICALLY CAN’T EAT OR DRINK ANYTHING

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There are so effing many rules. No deli meats, no soft cheeses, no wine (FML), no sushi, no advil, and the list keeps growing. As a mother, wine and advil are usually staples, so that hurts. During my first pregnancy I adhered to EVERY rule without deviation. I just felt like even though I knew they were super conservative and I probably wouldn’t harm my fetus with a Boars Head Honey Maple Chicken Sub from Publix (great…now I want one), I didn’t think anything was worth messing with the rules, archaic or not. God forbid something DID happen, it would be a mindfuck of epic proportions and I would carry guilt forever. I have enough since I’m Jewish, so I didn’t need to roll the dice. I’m a strong motherhustler, so there’s nothing I can’t do without for 9 months.

Except coffee. So this time around I do have one cup a day and I’m not ashamed. Mommy’s sanity is crucial to a functioning household and coffee helps achieve that. Also, I pretty much needed ginger ale intravenously during the first trimester of this pregnancy and I opted for diet (OH THE HORROR!! I KNOW!). But I’m sorry, I think it’s like splitting hairs to determine what’s worse – the amount of sugar I would have ingested in regular versions compared to the “diet” version demons.

2. MY BABY IS THE SIZE OF A WHAT?

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Yes, the first time I was  dutifully subscribed to those emails I would get each week informing me that my child was the size of a kumquat or some other exotic fruit. I read each one diligently about what body part was forming and what was happening in my womb. This time, however, I have literally lost count of how many times I have called my OBGYN to ask how far along I am. Not kidding.

3. EAU DE BUG SPRAY

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This whole Zika thing is a maje buzzkill for a pregnant chick, especially one living in a Zika hotbed known as South florida. This one scares me, because even doctors are skittish about it since there are so many unknowns. So…that means I have spent tons of money to douse myself in CDC approved bug spray every time I leave the house so I can have peace of mind. But wait, there’s more. Because this gem of an epidemic can be sexually transmitted, my husband is also forced to get in on this trend. No spray, no lay. There was nothing even close to this during my first pregnancy.

Those are some of the major differences but there are also some striking similarities.

  1. THE HORMONES

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I cry at the drop of a pin. Yes, I am emotional non-pregnant and admittedly a crier, but this is next level shit. It happens out of nowhere sometimes and once the floodgates open there’s no stopping it. It also happens when I get upset or frustrated (just like during non-preggo life), but again, it’s MUCH more severe. Like when the people my husband hired to put plywood up for the last “storm” (Hurricane Matthew) that threatened us, failed to deliver at almost the 11th hour and I had a full-on exorcist level melt down. I sufficiently scared the shit out of SLS, which is why he looked at me in the eyes and told me there would be wood on the windows if he had to “drive to fucking Naples to get it”. And he delivered (thankfully without having to make that drive).

2. I’M PREGNANT, NOT BLIND

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I still hate maternity clothes and basically stick to t-shirts and jeans because I think the people who design them are fucking high. In what universe does ANY pregnant woman look good in horizontal stripes and strategically placed bows and things that awkwardly blouse around your growing bump like a potato sack? It’s ridiculous.

3. I DRAW THE LINE AT CHARACTER ONESIES

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One of the biggest similarities from pregnancy number 1 to 2, revolves around baby clothing. There is so much cute stuff to outfit your baby. But for everything I love, there are ones that I seriously cannot stand. I’m probably the minority in this and I recognize that, but I HATE HATE HATE anything emblazoned with a cartoon character like mickey, minnie, pooh, etc. I also have a similar dislike for items that say things like, “Daddy’s Little Girl” or “If you think I’m cute you should see my mom” or “What happens at Grandma’s stays at grandma’s”. And I love a good graphic tee! But unless it’s truly clever and witty, it will never touch my child’s body. I didn’t dress my kid in that stuff the first time and it ain’t happening this time either. While maternity clothes may still suck, baby clothing designers at least have continued to step up their game for sure.

Above all, pregnancy brings a lot of opinions and perspectives (which is precisely why we aren’t sharing names before she’s here so stop asking) and a shit load of unsolicited and even passive aggressive advice – “You’re doing THAT during pregnancy.” That will never change…you just have to be good at ignoring it and doing your thing. Do what YOU feel is right and listen to your doctors, not the internet. Eat what you want, wear what you want, dress your kid how you want.

It’s your uterus, mamas. Am I right?

Let’s Talk About Sex…

Particularly what happens to sex after you have children.

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On our latest episode of The Parental Advisory Podcast, We’re going there.

We are tackling everything – from porn, to sex rooms, to scheduled sex, to quiet sex and everything else (between the sheets).

Just head over to our iTunes page and look for Episode 4. And if you haven’t checked out the first three installments, today is a GREAT day to binge listen.

Direct Link HERE>>> bit.ly/iTunesPAP

xx,

Rachel

 

 

 

Who Hates Homework!?!?

Spoiler alert…I DO! Effing hate it.

I’m not afraid to admit that some of it has me scratching my head. And by some of it, I mean the math. I have a bachelors and a masters degree, but sometimes 2nd grade math makes me question my intelligence.

This month’s article for Lifestyle Magazine – Boca/Delray (PAGE 19) is all about homework. And I have to give photo cred to my 7-yr-old since she took the picture. She was very adamant about my positioning and the artistic direction, saying, “Mom you really need to listen to me, I’m just want to make you look good.”

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xx,

Rachel

Introducing…The Parental Advisory Podcast (Insert Applause)

It’s finally here!! The news we have been sitting on, literally for months. We would have launched this endeavor sooner but with three parents living in three different states having kids with incessant fevers, snotty episodes and other parenting shit…we had some full plates over here.

 

You have probably witnessed the little social media lovefests between Daddy Mind Tricks and Whine & Cheez(its), but you need to know that our love is strong and real. Even more real than JoJo and Jordan.

 

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So we decided to take our relationship to the next level….PODCASTING!!

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That’s right! We are effing thrilled to announce the official podcast that is the brainchild of our two brands – The Parental Advisory Podcast.

 

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(TO GOT STRAIGHT TO THE ITUNES LINK CLICK HERE)

Shit. Just. Got. Real.

Here’s what you can expect:

Sarcasm

Raw parenting anecdotes

Busting each other’s balls

Cursing

Crossing boundaries

Honesty

Cursing

Hilarity

Entertainment

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Each episode will have the three of us discussing timely parenting topics – but REALLY discussing them. Not providing canned, politically correct soundbites. This isn’t The Effing View. Sometimes we will agree, sometimes we will not. But one thing you can always count on – we will ALWAYS be real as shit.

 

Please check out our first few episodes, share the hell out of them, review them wherever you listen and stay tuned for more. You can even put some money in our swear jar if you really want to help some bloggers out and be part of our efforts for world (or at least blogosphere) domination.

 

Thank you to all of our supporters and we hope you like what you hear!

 

Rachel, Pete & Mark