When my kids willingly try a new food, but especially anything resembling a vegetable, I take a picture. I take multiple. My tween gets so annoyed but I want proof.⁣
I want a paper trail of photos showing the consumption of a carrot or a green bean. Because in my head I concot a whole strategy built around the undeniable photographical evidence of vegetable intake. Vegetogrophy. It’s proof. No way around it. Guilty of freaking vegetable consumption. CASE CLOSED, YOUR HONOR! ⁣
In this asinine plan of mine, I imagine sitting my kids down at a table, interrogation style. Maybe some spot lights and a mild smoke machine to simulate a smoky detective vibe. I stare them down and without any words pull out lifesize cut outs of each vegetable incident. And I ask them to please describe in detail what they see in the picture. They have to admit it. They’re under oath or something by default on account of all the sleep deprivation I’ve experienced. ⁣
They’ll cop to ALL the veggie eating – carrots, green beans, mushrooms, spinach, cucumber, even counting the broccoli stem they sniffed or licked. Every detail of their voluntary vegetable consumption will be out in the open for all in my imaginary courtroom to see. People will clap and even cheer. There will be high fives and hearty hugs.⁣
But I’m so full of shit. That picture will never see the light of day. I haven’t printed an “actual picture” of my family since 2017 so the life size veggie evidence pics are a flawed plan. But that’s what my whole case is built around. ⁣
And let’s be honest. My kids would take one look at my winning case, negotiate some sort of deal that would not only rule the evidence irrelevant, but I’d probably have to pay reparations in cheese sticks.⁣
I need a new plan. Maybe turn them into yearbook ads. One of those nifty photo quilts? Framed artsy canvases for the living room?⁣
For now these dumb, empty threat riddled vegetable snapshots will collect dust in my camera roll until I eventually wave the white flag and delete. But you can’t take my memory of the glorious vegetable eating. At least I have that.⁣