Who’s ready for episode 5 of the Parental Advisory Podcast?
On this one, Daddy Mind Tricks and I talk about the struggle of making parenting friends – and some other stuff, because let’s face it…we like a good tangent.
Check it out!!!
Halloween is coming!
Are you ready for the slew of Elsas that will invade your neighborhood with their ill-fitting wigs and Olaf-shaped candy receptacles (guys, for real, when will the Frozen thing be over?)
Check out my latest article for Lifestyle Magazine Boca/Delray (Page 21) and get the scoop on a few Palm Beach County Halloween Happenings.
Last time I was pregnant was almost eight years ago. Here I am again, growing a human inside me but things are a little different. Most obviously, the fact that this is my second marriage which means I have two baby daddys. Guys, I’m basically like a rapper now.
Now, with another little girl cooking, it’s hard not to notice the differences from the first time around.
While I was not even a little bit neurotic during my first pregnancy, I was much more on the ball with a lot of “stuff” that accompanies pregnancy.
1. YOU BASICALLY CAN’T EAT OR DRINK ANYTHING
There are so effing many rules. No deli meats, no soft cheeses, no wine (FML), no sushi, no advil, and the list keeps growing. As a mother, wine and advil are usually staples, so that hurts. During my first pregnancy I adhered to EVERY rule without deviation. I just felt like even though I knew they were super conservative and I probably wouldn’t harm my fetus with a Boars Head Honey Maple Chicken Sub from Publix (great…now I want one), I didn’t think anything was worth messing with the rules, archaic or not. God forbid something DID happen, it would be a mindfuck of epic proportions and I would carry guilt forever. I have enough since I’m Jewish, so I didn’t need to roll the dice. I’m a strong motherhustler, so there’s nothing I can’t do without for 9 months.
Except coffee. So this time around I do have one cup a day and I’m not ashamed. Mommy’s sanity is crucial to a functioning household and coffee helps achieve that. Also, I pretty much needed ginger ale intravenously during the first trimester of this pregnancy and I opted for diet (OH THE HORROR!! I KNOW!). But I’m sorry, I think it’s like splitting hairs to determine what’s worse – the amount of sugar I would have ingested in regular versions compared to the “diet” version demons.
2. MY BABY IS THE SIZE OF A WHAT?
Yes, the first time I was dutifully subscribed to those emails I would get each week informing me that my child was the size of a kumquat or some other exotic fruit. I read each one diligently about what body part was forming and what was happening in my womb. This time, however, I have literally lost count of how many times I have called my OBGYN to ask how far along I am. Not kidding.
3. EAU DE BUG SPRAY
This whole Zika thing is a maje buzzkill for a pregnant chick, especially one living in a Zika hotbed known as South florida. This one scares me, because even doctors are skittish about it since there are so many unknowns. So…that means I have spent tons of money to douse myself in CDC approved bug spray every time I leave the house so I can have peace of mind. But wait, there’s more. Because this gem of an epidemic can be sexually transmitted, my husband is also forced to get in on this trend. No spray, no lay. There was nothing even close to this during my first pregnancy.
Those are some of the major differences but there are also some striking similarities.
I cry at the drop of a pin. Yes, I am emotional non-pregnant and admittedly a crier, but this is next level shit. It happens out of nowhere sometimes and once the floodgates open there’s no stopping it. It also happens when I get upset or frustrated (just like during non-preggo life), but again, it’s MUCH more severe. Like when the people my husband hired to put plywood up for the last “storm” (Hurricane Matthew) that threatened us, failed to deliver at almost the 11th hour and I had a full-on exorcist level melt down. I sufficiently scared the shit out of SLS, which is why he looked at me in the eyes and told me there would be wood on the windows if he had to “drive to fucking Naples to get it”. And he delivered (thankfully without having to make that drive).
2. I’M PREGNANT, NOT BLIND
I still hate maternity clothes and basically stick to t-shirts and jeans because I think the people who design them are fucking high. In what universe does ANY pregnant woman look good in horizontal stripes and strategically placed bows and things that awkwardly blouse around your growing bump like a potato sack? It’s ridiculous.
3. I DRAW THE LINE AT CHARACTER ONESIES
One of the biggest similarities from pregnancy number 1 to 2, revolves around baby clothing. There is so much cute stuff to outfit your baby. But for everything I love, there are ones that I seriously cannot stand. I’m probably the minority in this and I recognize that, but I HATE HATE HATE anything emblazoned with a cartoon character like mickey, minnie, pooh, etc. I also have a similar dislike for items that say things like, “Daddy’s Little Girl” or “If you think I’m cute you should see my mom” or “What happens at Grandma’s stays at grandma’s”. And I love a good graphic tee! But unless it’s truly clever and witty, it will never touch my child’s body. I didn’t dress my kid in that stuff the first time and it ain’t happening this time either. While maternity clothes may still suck, baby clothing designers at least have continued to step up their game for sure.
Above all, pregnancy brings a lot of opinions and perspectives (which is precisely why we aren’t sharing names before she’s here so stop asking) and a shit load of unsolicited and even passive aggressive advice – “You’re doing THAT during pregnancy.” That will never change…you just have to be good at ignoring it and doing your thing. Do what YOU feel is right and listen to your doctors, not the internet. Eat what you want, wear what you want, dress your kid how you want.
It’s your uterus, mamas. Am I right?
As featured on Suburban Misfit Mom
The Motherhood Edition of Jewish Holidays
Early fall is Jewish holiday season. That means going to temple, eating apples and honey in hopes of a sweet year ahead, family dinners filled with equal parts kvelling & kvetching, and a day of starvation fasting that culminates in the annual carb loading frenzy with bagels, lox, noodle kugel, and cookies. Lots of cookies. You know…a “light” meal.
And if your child attends a Jewish preschool/day school, you are basically screwed and they may as well close for the month of October with the amount of days you have off.
That’s right folks, we are currently living in the space between the Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashanah) and the Day of Atonement (Yom Kippur) where we atone for our sins and hope to make it into the Book of Life for another year.
Lucky for us, Jews get to make New Years’ resolutions twice. You know, if for some reason you bailed on the ones you made in January for the non-secular New Year, here’s a second chance in October. I don’t know about you, but we’re still eating cake, ice cream and half-consumed bags of goldfish and desperately trying to fit into our skinny jeans because even though we get dressed in workout clothes every day, we don’t actually go work out every day. It’s kind of like our uniform for school drop off and the couple hours following. That is until we can pee and shower without a child opening the door a trillion times asking us to change the channel when the remote control is actually in their little sticky hands.
Thinking about how you want to live in the Jewish New Year is both a blessing and a curse…because as you start to make promises to yourself about the year ahead, you are also going backwards to relive those times this past year you might not be so proud of. And as moms, there are definitely a few that come to mind. So, rather than focus on personal transgressions this year, we are confessing ours sins of motherhood. Let this be our atonement for:
In light of these confessions, here are our Jewish New Year’s resolutions– what we hope to do better or more of as moms in the coming year. And if we fail or don’t hit them all, January is right around the corner!
Particularly what happens to sex after you have children.
On our latest episode of The Parental Advisory Podcast, We’re going there.
We are tackling everything – from porn, to sex rooms, to scheduled sex, to quiet sex and everything else (between the sheets).
Just head over to our iTunes page and look for Episode 4. And if you haven’t checked out the first three installments, today is a GREAT day to binge listen.
Direct Link HERE>>> bit.ly/iTunesPAP
Spoiler alert…I DO! Effing hate it.
I’m not afraid to admit that some of it has me scratching my head. And by some of it, I mean the math. I have a bachelors and a masters degree, but sometimes 2nd grade math makes me question my intelligence.
This month’s article for Lifestyle Magazine – Boca/Delray (PAGE 19) is all about homework. And I have to give photo cred to my 7-yr-old since she took the picture. She was very adamant about my positioning and the artistic direction, saying, “Mom you really need to listen to me, I’m just want to make you look good.”
You know the people who you can easily categorize based on what they post on Facebook?
As I see it, there are six major factions. Read ALL about them in my latest article for The Huffington Post!
LINK HERE>>> http://huff.to/2cg7KxV
It’s finally here!! The news we have been sitting on, literally for months. We would have launched this endeavor sooner but with three parents living in three different states having kids with incessant fevers, snotty episodes and other parenting shit…we had some full plates over here.
You have probably witnessed the little social media lovefests between Daddy Mind Tricks and Whine & Cheez(its), but you need to know that our love is strong and real. Even more real than JoJo and Jordan.
So we decided to take our relationship to the next level….PODCASTING!!
That’s right! We are effing thrilled to announce the official podcast that is the brainchild of our two brands – The Parental Advisory Podcast.
Shit. Just. Got. Real.
Here’s what you can expect:
Raw parenting anecdotes
Busting each other’s balls
Each episode will have the three of us discussing timely parenting topics – but REALLY discussing them. Not providing canned, politically correct soundbites. This isn’t The Effing View. Sometimes we will agree, sometimes we will not. But one thing you can always count on – we will ALWAYS be real as shit.
Please check out our first few episodes, share the hell out of them, review them wherever you listen and stay tuned for more. You can even put some money in our swear jar if you really want to help some bloggers out and be part of our efforts for world (or at least blogosphere) domination.
Thank you to all of our supporters and we hope you like what you hear!
Rachel, Pete & Mark
As if back-to-school is not stress-inducing enough, you also have the added pressure of signing your kid(s) up for extracurricular activities – you know, to keep them well-rounded…and out of your hair for an hour so you can do laundry, or cook a meal, or pee alone.
Read all about it in my latest article for Lifestyle Magazine!
This edition of Yo!Momma, with my blog besties, Daddy Mind Tricks, is all about boobs.
Welcome to our monthly joint venture we like to call, Yo! Momma. We open up the mailbag to answer the questions from our most faithful readers and bring definitive resolution in the age-old battle of the sexes.
We do so in the only way we know how: with zero filter and 100-percent brutal honesty.
Last month, we took on the little game of communication duality that pops up in our exchanges with members of the opposite sex – basically, it was all about what to do when she says “I don’t wanna talk about it.”
In the latest edition collaboration of the best parenting bloggers on the Internet, we’re talking about boobs. Yes. Boobs.
You ask. We attempt to answer … and then Rachel from Whine & Cheez(Its) drops some knowledge on your ass to provide the feminine point of view that we all truly need in our lives.
Welcome to another edition of … Yo! Momma.
Why does my wife say her boobs are too sensitive for me to touch? Did the kid break them?
– Mike, Omaha
Pete: Breastfeeding is no joke. Next to the whole pushing of a human being out of a small orifice thing, being solely responsible for the regular sustenance of your baby is likely the toughest thing your wife is ever gonna do, Mike. I get it, though. You are ready to get back down to full business underneath the sheets. Sexy time with wifey is missing some of its most valuable players. Give it time. Well, unless you are a freaky dude and get into some weird shit with breastmilk. That’s on you, bro. But most of us aren’t and would rather wait it out for a few weeks. Shortly after the milk truck is closed up for good, the orbs will return to normal. Until the mounds of awesome make their triumphant return, find some other ways to have to some fun with the lesser-known erogenous zones. Don’t know what those are? Well, that’s another Yo! Momma topic on its own.
Rachel: If by broken you mean 9 months of hard time served by a baby in her uterus, followed by the agony of said baby latching on to her nipples several times a day with an irrationally strong sense of suction for such a little thing, followed by hooking herself up to a machine that sucks her boobs into giant funnels to keep her milk supply game strong…then yes, they are most certainly broken. While I do not have balls of my own, I would imagine the sensitivity issues you have with those is somewhat comparable. And we have so many hormones running through our bodies, post baby that there’s no telling when those things will be back in play. So just be conscious and if she says hands off….it’s hands off. They’ll be back (maybe different after breastfeeding…you’ve been warned), so just be patient.
Now it’s YOUR turn. Do you have some more questions for our crackpot team of experts? Drop us a line in the comments section, or hit us up on email at DaddyMindTricks [at] gmail.com and maybe we’ll feature your question in the next edition of Yo! Momma.